I went to see a neurologist yesterday. This is the 1st time I've seen a Neurologist since I had my Thymectomy. I finally got my ass to one and now I dont know how I feel.
On one hand Im happy tht she seems to know about Myasthenia Gravis and has treated other patients with it before, and seems quick to act. On the other hand hs is rather frightening...
1st the experience in the office was already not so great. I was told to come in 30 minutes before my scheduled time of 930 am, in order to fill out paperwork. I arrived at 850they didnt give me the paperwork until 940 and then called me in 2 minutes later. But of course I wasnt done with the paperwork since I just got it. By that time I was the only one left in the waiting room.
Then I am finally called in to the Dr's office, where again, I have to sit and wait for her. She Bursts in with her head in her notes and gruffly barks "I dont have your charts, your history I have nothing, I cant do anything I need your medical history"
At this point Im a little shocked and say .. slightly annoyed...
"Hello ... ? ...?"
and she gave no answer, just sat down with a certain amoutn of force assertation of authority. "I cant do anything without your medical records, Do you have a number so we can contact your previous doctor"
Me: "Um... I gave this to the receptionist... 2 weeks ago when making the apointment" ( I even gave the fax number and specifically asked if they needed my records)
She huffs and storms out... then comes back in "They the dont have it" as if this is my fault, are they just attempting to obtain this info NOW?
So she sets that aside from her mind and moves on. She proceeds to bombard me with the the usual questions and even tells me bluntly that my eyes look bad and then barks out that she thinks my last neurologist was not aggressice enough
She starts barking out 4 different EKGs, EMG, EEG, TCD, brain scan, blood work, steroids, IV flush that she isnt sure if she can get insurance to pay for, that I will be on for 4 days... blurting all this out in rapidfire like a machine gun never once stopping to breathe...
WOW!!! wait... "Hi ... my name is Mike"
No time for that though, lets just pump you full of steriods
And then I ask about eyelid surgery. then she finally pauses, without looking at me. She huffs out... "thats not going to do anything, thats just cosmetic"
Woooooo... Lady, try covering half your eyeball with your eyelids for just ONE FREAKING day and then tell me "its just cosmetic" It covers half my freakin eyeballand distortts my vision, and when I manually lift them the double vision goes away!
You are more than willing to pump me with steriods, hook some IV thingy up to me for days and give me all these immunosuppresants but wont even consider the eyelide surgery... which within less than 1 yr would cost less and have far less side effects than the steriods alone
I'll go through with the 6 or 8 tests that she rushed me into, that seems more than logical. But I will have to talk to her again about the eyelids. It seems logical that she would understand esp especially since she herself seemed to recognize that the disease is mainly concentrated in the eyelid area and not so much in the rest of my body
but lets just pump me up full of drugs...
maybe it will work, Initial 1st impressions and bitching aside. I'll set my mind to this plan and hope it works
Friday, June 30, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
"People say..."
So I was browsing the personals and there is somethat that I don't quite get which kind of bugs me. I don't quite understand why a guy or girl would right "people tell me I'm good-looking" or something similar.
This sounds like an attempt to say you are attractive without sounding too full of yourself, because its other people who are supposedly really saying it. But, to me, its just lame. You dont have the balls to say you think you are good looking and even worse, you are trying to hide it, and think you are getting away with it.
But that's not even the part that is so ridiculous and annoying. The real reason is: Why do I care if other people say you are attractive? If I thought your pics were ugly will this statement magically turn my opinion around? - "Ya know, at first I thought I was lookin at a dog's ass but now that you say people think you're attractive, that dog's ass is lookin mighty fine!.... RRRRRUFF" If I already thought you were hot will the thought that other people think you are attractive make you even hotter?
NO... ridiculous. That's like some yawn of a person trying to convince me they are funny when nothing laughable has escaped their mouth intentionally ... "but everyone says I'm funny"
My mom says Im special and she also repeatedly says any girl would be happy to have me... even after I came out
This sounds like an attempt to say you are attractive without sounding too full of yourself, because its other people who are supposedly really saying it. But, to me, its just lame. You dont have the balls to say you think you are good looking and even worse, you are trying to hide it, and think you are getting away with it.
But that's not even the part that is so ridiculous and annoying. The real reason is: Why do I care if other people say you are attractive? If I thought your pics were ugly will this statement magically turn my opinion around? - "Ya know, at first I thought I was lookin at a dog's ass but now that you say people think you're attractive, that dog's ass is lookin mighty fine!.... RRRRRUFF" If I already thought you were hot will the thought that other people think you are attractive make you even hotter?
NO... ridiculous. That's like some yawn of a person trying to convince me they are funny when nothing laughable has escaped their mouth intentionally ... "but everyone says I'm funny"
My mom says Im special and she also repeatedly says any girl would be happy to have me... even after I came out
The Eyes have it
I had a bit of a scare this weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday.... actually I started to notice me eyelids getting really tired towards the end of my shifts in the middle of this week. But Saturday and Sunday were a bit more scarry
I haven't been on the computer too much.. And I got a good 7-8 hrs of sleep eventually both nites before. During the day though my eyelids have been really bad. I was barely able to keep them open while getting a haircut and book shopping this weekend... It actually took concerted effort to keep them open and on Sunday I was not tired or sleepy at all... They are falling pretty bad lately
Im just really glad I have my Neurologist appointment coming up... I do wish they could see me earlier though. I hope I can get the eyelid surgery soon... If they dont approve it I'll be pissed, frickin Myasthenia Gravis bitches! - The name alone sounds so bad I should get a free pass on everything... "You kicked my child?!?!? Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS... Im sooo sorry, kick him again" "Come back here with that case of stolen Grey Goose!!! ... Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS take another case why dont you, and do you need someone to drive you too?"
That would be amazing :P
Currently listening:
Achtung Baby
By U2
I haven't been on the computer too much.. And I got a good 7-8 hrs of sleep eventually both nites before. During the day though my eyelids have been really bad. I was barely able to keep them open while getting a haircut and book shopping this weekend... It actually took concerted effort to keep them open and on Sunday I was not tired or sleepy at all... They are falling pretty bad lately
Im just really glad I have my Neurologist appointment coming up... I do wish they could see me earlier though. I hope I can get the eyelid surgery soon... If they dont approve it I'll be pissed, frickin Myasthenia Gravis bitches! - The name alone sounds so bad I should get a free pass on everything... "You kicked my child?!?!? Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS... Im sooo sorry, kick him again" "Come back here with that case of stolen Grey Goose!!! ... Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS take another case why dont you, and do you need someone to drive you too?"
That would be amazing :P
Currently listening:
Achtung Baby
By U2
Distortions n Distractions
I just finished reading "Media Control: The Spectacular Achievements of Propaganda" by Noam Chomsky. I don't know how I feel about this since it greatly conflicts with my overzealous "claim to lame" and illiteracy.
Aside from that, it was a great little read (really less than 90 pages.. more of a pamphlet). It took the small of amount of ideas/thoughts I already have on the state of our media, politics and perception and expanded greatly upon them. He delivers this with bite and wit so its a pretty entertaining read. The topics and themes discussed are perfectly related to my script which I have been slackin on till recently. "The Fog Of War" and this book have a given me huge inspiration.
In the book he consistantly refers to "the bewildered herd", and how it is the job of the ruling elite to keep the "the bewildered herd" (or the general masses) distracted from what is of actual importance, or from being real participants in democracy. Give them something else to occupy their thoughts and concern, like the Superbowl
Ironically while I am reading... I have music on in the background and, on mute, The NBA Finals are on. I had to put the book down half way through because, well it was a great game and it went into overtime with The Heat coming from behind to win by 1 point, and now lead the series 3-2. This after the Maverics looked like they were dominating the Heat, and the Championship was all but sealed with a 2-0 lead.
What was I talking about? I got caught up in the action... :P
So yeah.. I might be reading more but my lameness still prevails. I'll still flaunt my illiteracy like a 40yr old first-time newlywed 15 yrs in-the-waiting flashes her engagement ring.
A great resurgence for me though. I will have to read more of his, um stuff. But 1st "Imperial Hubris" and "A History of God: The 4000 year quest of Judaism, Christiantity, and Islam" is next. - I can't believe I have actual books sitting next to me that are waiting to be read (not just a list that I will never get to!)... What's next a boyfriend? Insanity
Currently listening to:
Biograph
By Bob Dylan
Aside from that, it was a great little read (really less than 90 pages.. more of a pamphlet). It took the small of amount of ideas/thoughts I already have on the state of our media, politics and perception and expanded greatly upon them. He delivers this with bite and wit so its a pretty entertaining read. The topics and themes discussed are perfectly related to my script which I have been slackin on till recently. "The Fog Of War" and this book have a given me huge inspiration.
In the book he consistantly refers to "the bewildered herd", and how it is the job of the ruling elite to keep the "the bewildered herd" (or the general masses) distracted from what is of actual importance, or from being real participants in democracy. Give them something else to occupy their thoughts and concern, like the Superbowl
Ironically while I am reading... I have music on in the background and, on mute, The NBA Finals are on. I had to put the book down half way through because, well it was a great game and it went into overtime with The Heat coming from behind to win by 1 point, and now lead the series 3-2. This after the Maverics looked like they were dominating the Heat, and the Championship was all but sealed with a 2-0 lead.
What was I talking about? I got caught up in the action... :P
So yeah.. I might be reading more but my lameness still prevails. I'll still flaunt my illiteracy like a 40yr old first-time newlywed 15 yrs in-the-waiting flashes her engagement ring.
A great resurgence for me though. I will have to read more of his, um stuff. But 1st "Imperial Hubris" and "A History of God: The 4000 year quest of Judaism, Christiantity, and Islam" is next. - I can't believe I have actual books sitting next to me that are waiting to be read (not just a list that I will never get to!)... What's next a boyfriend? Insanity
Currently listening to:
Biograph
By Bob Dylan
I NEED that!
When you can't seem to sleep, turning on the TV can be dangerous. Its during those weak hrs that they come out of nowhere for you, and get you...
Dual head drill action? Home pilates gym? 4 in one grill plate? Magic Ladder? Increase my reading rate by more than 200%? Magic Hooks? ... I'll take it!
Damn you Elle McPhereson, Patrick Duffy, Hulk Hogan, misc sports and soap stars! Why are you so convincing at 5am
Dual head drill action? Home pilates gym? 4 in one grill plate? Magic Ladder? Increase my reading rate by more than 200%? Magic Hooks? ... I'll take it!
Damn you Elle McPhereson, Patrick Duffy, Hulk Hogan, misc sports and soap stars! Why are you so convincing at 5am
Timing?
Sometimes you slam into a wall. Shock anger and frustrtion takes hold and you do everything mindless in the moment to take that sucker down. Usually more than a little pain a humilation and stupidity present themselves, before more concentrated focused efforts present start to take shape. Battle plans are drawn up. But all still fails. That fricken still stands!!! Damn the chinese are good (or whomever errected this monster). Eventually after several failed attempts - the last few seeming like sure winners - you start to make yourself comfortable to mastermind a new plan. Eventually comfort sorta takes hold and you enjoy yourself a little.
Then somehow a reminder hits you on the head. While climbing a tree and to pick fuit or some shit, you fall and find yourself in someplace new. "What the hell am I doing here again?" And you remember the dreaded wall... and start to have the dread and anger return when suddenly you realise.."Shit Im on the other side" Then you get angry cause all your goods are still back in the other side... there's always something to be upset about.
taking a look around it is a desolate wasteland with no signs of life anywhere, except for a few tiny seedling you see starting to sprout up. All blank and ready life to begin...
Good thing I wasnt here earlier... thank God the chinese built that stupid wall
Currently listening to:
War
By U2
Then somehow a reminder hits you on the head. While climbing a tree and to pick fuit or some shit, you fall and find yourself in someplace new. "What the hell am I doing here again?" And you remember the dreaded wall... and start to have the dread and anger return when suddenly you realise.."Shit Im on the other side" Then you get angry cause all your goods are still back in the other side... there's always something to be upset about.
taking a look around it is a desolate wasteland with no signs of life anywhere, except for a few tiny seedling you see starting to sprout up. All blank and ready life to begin...
Good thing I wasnt here earlier... thank God the chinese built that stupid wall
Currently listening to:
War
By U2
Monday, June 12, 2006
Papers
In this life everything seems sliightly more complicated than it needs to be.
In order to go to school I have to see an advisor and register for classes... In order to register for classes I have to show proof that my immunizations are all up to date. My parents lost my records. So I had a Doctors apt today - I told the nurse over the phone when making hte apt that one of the reasons I was there was to get my MMR and dt immunizations. I also told the receptionsist this. Then the doctor came in to see me did his usual stuff. And since I am HMO I really am there just to get a referral so that I can see a Neurologist, who will really be taking care of my case, but I cant just go straight to him unless I wanted to pay more monthly. So the Doc leaves and tells me to wait. Then the nurse comes in and takes me to another place which looks like where you set up the next apt and so forth. I havent had my shots yet but I am starting to think "Oh maybe I get those when I get my lab work done" But as the prcoss starts to go along I start to realize, that probably isnt the case. So I tell the lady I was here to get my MMR and Dt. And she brings the nurse back, who was nice, but also told me I need to tell them this at the beginning.... I did, on the phone an when I first arrived! WOW!
so I got my referral to the Neurologist and call to make an apt. BUT I cant yet until they get the referral is faxed to them, and that hasnt been done yet so I have to wait until tomorrow
Wouldnt it be great if you could just walk in to a clinic, ask for a Neurologist and one pops up and could see you... That would be amazing
In order to go to school I have to see an advisor and register for classes... In order to register for classes I have to show proof that my immunizations are all up to date. My parents lost my records. So I had a Doctors apt today - I told the nurse over the phone when making hte apt that one of the reasons I was there was to get my MMR and dt immunizations. I also told the receptionsist this. Then the doctor came in to see me did his usual stuff. And since I am HMO I really am there just to get a referral so that I can see a Neurologist, who will really be taking care of my case, but I cant just go straight to him unless I wanted to pay more monthly. So the Doc leaves and tells me to wait. Then the nurse comes in and takes me to another place which looks like where you set up the next apt and so forth. I havent had my shots yet but I am starting to think "Oh maybe I get those when I get my lab work done" But as the prcoss starts to go along I start to realize, that probably isnt the case. So I tell the lady I was here to get my MMR and Dt. And she brings the nurse back, who was nice, but also told me I need to tell them this at the beginning.... I did, on the phone an when I first arrived! WOW!
so I got my referral to the Neurologist and call to make an apt. BUT I cant yet until they get the referral is faxed to them, and that hasnt been done yet so I have to wait until tomorrow
Wouldnt it be great if you could just walk in to a clinic, ask for a Neurologist and one pops up and could see you... That would be amazing
Friday, June 09, 2006
OH MY GAWD! ... shhhh did you hear that too?!?
I was just listening to The Dears, who I had completely forgotten about until I just happened upon their name on someone's profile.
So I was sitting pleasantly writing, with TV in background, my mind a bit scattered but content.
THEN IT HAPPENED! - Out of nowhere That scarry beast resurrected itself! It's shreakish call made every hair stand on end and rattled my aching bones. It peireced the air like LIGHTNING! and shattered all thought and calm that remained within me...
WTF! .... OH MY GAWD NO! ... Is that an 80s SAXOPHONE BREAK!
... GOD where are you! - not anywhere in this damn song.
now wtf was I writing.. what? where AM I? What just happened?... Its all blown away
...somebody hold me
Currently listening:
No Cities Left
By The Dears
So I was sitting pleasantly writing, with TV in background, my mind a bit scattered but content.
THEN IT HAPPENED! - Out of nowhere That scarry beast resurrected itself! It's shreakish call made every hair stand on end and rattled my aching bones. It peireced the air like LIGHTNING! and shattered all thought and calm that remained within me...
WTF! .... OH MY GAWD NO! ... Is that an 80s SAXOPHONE BREAK!
... GOD where are you! - not anywhere in this damn song.
now wtf was I writing.. what? where AM I? What just happened?... Its all blown away
...somebody hold me
Currently listening:
No Cities Left
By The Dears
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Something in the air
Nothing was as it usually is. Its musical chairs behind me at work - everyone who sits there ends up leaving soon after. Its just become vacant again, I know how to reel em in and keep em. When things like that happen I feel the heightened sense that I must do something to break shake things up. Its that feeling that everyone is moving but I'm static. But I know must stay.
I havent done much writing, listening to music or even blogging as of late. But suddenly Im flooded with activity
Its wierd when the world around you seems to somehow reflect your feelings and where you are at. Walking into work the air was light and it felt cool, in vegas. The sky was insane tonight. Lighting stretched across itthe blackness seeming to leave permanent scratches in the sky. The thunder was in surround sound. Walking outside felt as if I was in another time and space. In Vegas where everything is fake fascades neon, plastic, and concrete, its rare that nature is palpable aside from the sun...
But something is in the air
I havent done much writing, listening to music or even blogging as of late. But suddenly Im flooded with activity
Its wierd when the world around you seems to somehow reflect your feelings and where you are at. Walking into work the air was light and it felt cool, in vegas. The sky was insane tonight. Lighting stretched across itthe blackness seeming to leave permanent scratches in the sky. The thunder was in surround sound. Walking outside felt as if I was in another time and space. In Vegas where everything is fake fascades neon, plastic, and concrete, its rare that nature is palpable aside from the sun...
But something is in the air
Monday, June 05, 2006
Dumb Emails!
OH WOW! I just realised that I sent out a bunch of drunken emails this morning!
I'm not even gonna check how many I sent...
What is it about me a drunkeness, where emailing random retardation seems so natural and logical when it is happening? I love my lameness
WINNA! that was her name. That was buggin me all day. It was going to fester into a giant tumor if I didnt remember the name of my sister's freind who always made fun of my amazing face-touching pic!
Currently listening:
In Case We Die
By Architecture in Helsinki
I'm not even gonna check how many I sent...
What is it about me a drunkeness, where emailing random retardation seems so natural and logical when it is happening? I love my lameness
WINNA! that was her name. That was buggin me all day. It was going to fester into a giant tumor if I didnt remember the name of my sister's freind who always made fun of my amazing face-touching pic!
Currently listening:
In Case We Die
By Architecture in Helsinki
FACE-TOUCHER!
I was about to exit Myspace when some random profile popped up on "Cool New People". It was a face-toucher pic!
My immediate reaction is amusement cuz it looks so gay. And I realized... damn it Im a face-toucher. But I never touch my face in pictures unless I am faking shock and/or doing my japanese girl giggling impression. Guys who touch their face in pics either give me immediate gay or cheesy vibes. Maybe this is due to my childhood mall pics. Doesn't everyone have one of these sets - Where your parents dress you up and take you to the mall or the cheesy Dept. store to have your pictures taken. There is always one where you are standing with one leg resting on an elevated platform and maybe you have a jacket slung over your shoulder... and then there is always to face-toucher pic - Usually in some type of lying stomach down position, and with both hands clasped in an upside down V under your chin.
My sister's friend... wow damn, i forgot her name, it will come back... but I remember she would do that pose every time she saw me because both poses were hanging over the fireplace. I should blow them up to gargantuan size and post them as my main pic on my profile and also hang them in my room
Currently listening:
Ghosts of the Great Highway
By Sun Kil Moon
My immediate reaction is amusement cuz it looks so gay. And I realized... damn it Im a face-toucher. But I never touch my face in pictures unless I am faking shock and/or doing my japanese girl giggling impression. Guys who touch their face in pics either give me immediate gay or cheesy vibes. Maybe this is due to my childhood mall pics. Doesn't everyone have one of these sets - Where your parents dress you up and take you to the mall or the cheesy Dept. store to have your pictures taken. There is always one where you are standing with one leg resting on an elevated platform and maybe you have a jacket slung over your shoulder... and then there is always to face-toucher pic - Usually in some type of lying stomach down position, and with both hands clasped in an upside down V under your chin.
My sister's friend... wow damn, i forgot her name, it will come back... but I remember she would do that pose every time she saw me because both poses were hanging over the fireplace. I should blow them up to gargantuan size and post them as my main pic on my profile and also hang them in my room
Currently listening:
Ghosts of the Great Highway
By Sun Kil Moon
GO TEAM!
My mom is cute when she is screaming at the TV rooting for her basketball team. It's usually the Lakers but since they are out, its whomever my Dad seems to be rooting for. I dont think she cares at all... But she gets so excited and into it. It kinda charming. More charming than when they are routing for the Lakers, cuz then its SERIOUS! and of course "means something"
when it isn't the Lakers, a day later she will forget who she was rooting for... I love it
Currently listening:
The Winter Is Coming
By Elf Power
when it isn't the Lakers, a day later she will forget who she was rooting for... I love it
Currently listening:
The Winter Is Coming
By Elf Power
That's smarts! ... Inconceivable!
Sometimes when I hear others speak, or read their profiles I have an immediate gut reaction of wanting to yak all over them. This usually stems from reading or hearing something that sounds overbloated and full of pseudo-intellectualism.
I think what is really happening is that I think I am smarter than other people. Then I stumble across someone that seems intelligent, and with the capacity to communicate their thoughts with ease. This of course will not stand as I am the smarter cookie, so I pass it off as someone who is full of themselves, self important, far too stuck in their own delirium or loving to hear the sound of their own bloated voices. While this actually might be true sometimes, it is really a defense mechanism on my part.
Or maybe I just like my "intelligence" splattered in with humor, silliness, and ridiculousness, and/or self-effacement. I should just stop being so damn judgemental
Currently listening:
OK Computer
By Radiohead
I think what is really happening is that I think I am smarter than other people. Then I stumble across someone that seems intelligent, and with the capacity to communicate their thoughts with ease. This of course will not stand as I am the smarter cookie, so I pass it off as someone who is full of themselves, self important, far too stuck in their own delirium or loving to hear the sound of their own bloated voices. While this actually might be true sometimes, it is really a defense mechanism on my part.
Or maybe I just like my "intelligence" splattered in with humor, silliness, and ridiculousness, and/or self-effacement. I should just stop being so damn judgemental
Currently listening:
OK Computer
By Radiohead
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