Saturday, April 07, 2007


So this is kinda old but still relevant... I just havent been blogging for a long time now.

Certain people are advancing their status and or positions at work. And they deserve it. But when hearing about it I got kinda jealous and frustrated. Lame! What is super lame is that I assume or think I have the opportunity potential to move up at work (maybe I'm wrong though?), and I have consciously made a choice not to. I know this. So it shouldnt affect me when other people are moving up and I am not. It shouldnt at all. I made that choice. I'm the one that told myself to avoid moving up at work, based upon school in relation to moving up at a job in the past. I completely forgot about school.

But it does affect me, or did. What is my problem? Is that competitiveness or something? Whatever it is, its lame. Maybe part of it, is that progress with school is so slow. I dont know. May it feels like nothing is happening since Its going so slow.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Where's the Beef?

I just wrote another blog post on my other blog about something I already know I need to do, or change or work at.
But I guess it applies to more than one topic.

Last nite was our company party and it was fun, very fun. We has all been looking forward to it for some time. These twice a year parties the company really goes all out for

I got a great buzz going without puking, a little dancing, and lots of tittie grabbing, and quite a few times of burying my head in breasts. So it was a handful of fun.

I brought my sister again, and of course all the guys kept telling me how hot my sister is, and she is, and super sweet and social too... I love her. And maybe I just realized I might be jealous of her. Not like spiteful jealous but in a sense that.. fuck I want boys to say that about me hahahha

The thing about it is, that amidst all the fun and drunkenness, I still feel somewhat alone and isolated. I honestly can't remember when is the last time I shared a true moment with someone. Now I know I have shared feelings and thoughts and dreams with Ijeoma and Maria and a few others at work as well. What I am missing is that intimate moment that becomes a memory or a new light that shines on someone, or some small shared experience that is somehow a little more... Really what it might be is that I have not made these moments possible

Its funny when you find your own thoughts or feelings echoed elswhere... Jim sent a friend request on Myspace, so I read one of his blogs, and it seemed to be a different slant on how I have been feeling. Somewhat of a desire or feeling to connect with people in general. Have I built up too many walls, put myself in a corner, too picky, too lazy, too scared to share anything of myself? Well in Jim's blog he was mainly speaking of friends new and old... my general thoughts have been more about finding a boyfriend, but also knowing that I don't have any really strong bonds here in Vegas.

Going out with girls is fun and everything, but grabbing a hold of some good melons is strangely safe... I need something else. Where's the beef?

Maybe I enjoy burying my head in boobies because it is a safe place to hide from what I really want.

I don't just mean cock or boys, but the substance, something more that you can sink your teeth into, Something to chew on, something deeper.

I want a boyfriend who I can share dreams and ambitions, moments and memories, new experiences and so forth, but it would also be nice to have friends here in Vegas I share this with as well.

I LOVE my friends in LA (including Stef, Terrell, and Kathy who are in other cities) but I feel the need for true connections here. Much of this is my own fault, yet at the same time I haven't felt like there is anyone I can truly identify and connect with or whose goals and dreams parallel my own. I probably just need to give people in general more of a chance.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


July was the warmup

There has been much preparation and testing for what is to come. EVERYTHING is in motion... well almost.

My body is complety confused at this point. So much is going in, out, prodded, electrified, fried, infused, stimulated, flatulated, exhausted and energized. It no longer has a basis for what is real and normal.

I am happy with my Robot Doc. She has a PA that is human and can communicate with other human beings, so all is well. My Neuro Doc can continue to be the agro Robot Doc that she was manufactured to be, who moves at the speed of light, gets things done, and doesnt stop to relate to humans, as long as she has her human PA is there to smooth her hard robot edges and give her a little oil.

I got started on Imuran and Prednisone... Holy shit. All I can say is sweaty pig - Im hungry 24/7, sweatier than normal, dizzy, and have more acne. Prednisone sucks a pigs ass... hopefully I wont have to be on it forever.

Its like I have been a human experiment... the new drugs alone have taken some time to get used to. My body doesnt know what is happening to it. Not even factoring the drugs, the tests were even wierder and more "human experiment". I lie down, while the technician marks up my arms in various nerve points with a pen. After she is done drawing on my arms she then proceeds to place 3 little electrode stickers to to various points and then connect them with wires to a computer. She then pulls out this tazer looking thing - black remote control looking handle with 2 metal prongs sticking out of one end. She shocks me at the various points she has marked all over my arms

Zap! "ouch!... quit it"

Zap! "ouch!... quit it"

Zap! "ouch!... quit it"

and on for about 10-15 minutes. A few days rest and I can look forward to the same thing on my legs! Oh but wait there was also the electrode thing they put on my head. After the tazer test, they had me sit down and placed a swimmercap looking thing with electrode points scattered all around it. These points were about dime-sized, raised, and with holes in the middle. After they squeeze the contraption on your head the extend a metal prong thing in each hole scratch your scalp with it - which is super annoying - and then squeez some gel stuff in it and then take some "tests"... Im sure there are files of every thought I have up in my noggin that the government now has- because it is really important for them to know what the enemy is thinking. Then enemy threat being a crippled faggot who is obviously set out to destroy the morals of society and attack marriage!

There was also some sonogram type thing where they squeez gel on various spots of your cranium and then pule sound waves trough these points. The bussing is a nice disorienting touch tht adds that little bit more of diiizzyness just in case you didnt feel you had enough

So after all of that. Robot Doc got on it and made the insurance company approve an IVIG flush therapy which is apparently really hard to get, because its a new treatment. A nurse come to your home, hooks up an IV to your arm and knocks you out for a good 4-6 hrs. Next thing you know you dont know where you are, who you are, who is this woman doing stuff to your arm, why is it sore, and why am I even more dizzy. Once they stick Bendryl straight in your veins its done, ... they told me it would make me drowsy but that was jsut insane. It completely wipes you out and I almost didnt make it to my bed. 4 days of magic

but I think my eyelids are more open by a good 1/8 to 1/4 inch! wooohooooo!!!!!!

I really hope I dont need to stay on predinose

OK so that is the medical side of things

I got all of my financial situation finally straightened out. This was a bigger ordeal than I imagined, but its finally done and I am in a good financial place now

I turned 30, got all my school stuff done - immunizations, records, etc. Now I am FINALLY registered for classes to go to film school!!!

July was soooo busy getting all of this taken care of, and now it feels like life is beginning all over again. Everything I've waited/and put off my whole life is now happening. Health, Education, Finances, Work, everything just came together in July afdter alot of work and now August is just an amazing new start. Now I jsut need that one other area to come into play

Monday, July 10, 2006

30, The New 21

This weekend was amazing. I had sooo much fun. But it more than just drunken buffoonery.

There was alot of reflection and looking to the past. This however was not nostalgia. Although there were moments with Alex and Brian where we reminisced about our early 20s being roommates and what not.

This weekend become a mirror into the past not just to remember good times and memories but to reflect upon what has been done and accomplished and what has not. recognizes patterns and establishing new ones

I've been saying that 30 is the new 21, partly as a way to take away the fear of this number sounding old to me. But that phrase is more true than I first imagined. 21 is a pivotal age where things start to really shift and there are new discoveries about yourself and life to be made. You start to come into your own, and creativity can reach new heights.

For me things happened later in life and while that sort of stuff did happen around 21, the real major dynamics and personal growth is happening now. I am reliving 21, but without the unnecessary baggage. While I've ALWAYS been a unique individual that kinda sticks out, following my inner desires and impulses has always been tucked away, made secondary. I guess that is what I imagine or correlate with 21 - not only discovering yourself but starting to really push yourself out into the world

Friday, June 30, 2006

Pump Me Up

I went to see a neurologist yesterday. This is the 1st time I've seen a Neurologist since I had my Thymectomy. I finally got my ass to one and now I dont know how I feel.

On one hand Im happy tht she seems to know about Myasthenia Gravis and has treated other patients with it before, and seems quick to act. On the other hand hs is rather frightening...

1st the experience in the office was already not so great. I was told to come in 30 minutes before my scheduled time of 930 am, in order to fill out paperwork. I arrived at 850they didnt give me the paperwork until 940 and then called me in 2 minutes later. But of course I wasnt done with the paperwork since I just got it. By that time I was the only one left in the waiting room.

Then I am finally called in to the Dr's office, where again, I have to sit and wait for her. She Bursts in with her head in her notes and gruffly barks "I dont have your charts, your history I have nothing, I cant do anything I need your medical history"

At this point Im a little shocked and say .. slightly annoyed...

"Hello ... ? ...?"

and she gave no answer, just sat down with a certain amoutn of force assertation of authority. "I cant do anything without your medical records, Do you have a number so we can contact your previous doctor"

Me: "Um... I gave this to the receptionist... 2 weeks ago when making the apointment" ( I even gave the fax number and specifically asked if they needed my records)

She huffs and storms out... then comes back in "They the dont have it" as if this is my fault, are they just attempting to obtain this info NOW?

So she sets that aside from her mind and moves on. She proceeds to bombard me with the the usual questions and even tells me bluntly that my eyes look bad and then barks out that she thinks my last neurologist was not aggressice enough

She starts barking out 4 different EKGs, EMG, EEG, TCD, brain scan, blood work, steroids, IV flush that she isnt sure if she can get insurance to pay for, that I will be on for 4 days... blurting all this out in rapidfire like a machine gun never once stopping to breathe...

WOW!!! wait... "Hi ... my name is Mike"

No time for that though, lets just pump you full of steriods

And then I ask about eyelid surgery. then she finally pauses, without looking at me. She huffs out... "thats not going to do anything, thats just cosmetic"

Woooooo... Lady, try covering half your eyeball with your eyelids for just ONE FREAKING day and then tell me "its just cosmetic" It covers half my freakin eyeballand distortts my vision, and when I manually lift them the double vision goes away!

You are more than willing to pump me with steriods, hook some IV thingy up to me for days and give me all these immunosuppresants but wont even consider the eyelide surgery... which within less than 1 yr would cost less and have far less side effects than the steriods alone

I'll go through with the 6 or 8 tests that she rushed me into, that seems more than logical. But I will have to talk to her again about the eyelids. It seems logical that she would understand esp especially since she herself seemed to recognize that the disease is mainly concentrated in the eyelid area and not so much in the rest of my body

but lets just pump me up full of drugs...

maybe it will work, Initial 1st impressions and bitching aside. I'll set my mind to this plan and hope it works

Monday, June 19, 2006

"People say..."

So I was browsing the personals and there is somethat that I don't quite get which kind of bugs me. I don't quite understand why a guy or girl would right "people tell me I'm good-looking" or something similar.

This sounds like an attempt to say you are attractive without sounding too full of yourself, because its other people who are supposedly really saying it. But, to me, its just lame. You dont have the balls to say you think you are good looking and even worse, you are trying to hide it, and think you are getting away with it.

But that's not even the part that is so ridiculous and annoying. The real reason is: Why do I care if other people say you are attractive? If I thought your pics were ugly will this statement magically turn my opinion around? - "Ya know, at first I thought I was lookin at a dog's ass but now that you say people think you're attractive, that dog's ass is lookin mighty fine!.... RRRRRUFF" If I already thought you were hot will the thought that other people think you are attractive make you even hotter?

NO... ridiculous. That's like some yawn of a person trying to convince me they are funny when nothing laughable has escaped their mouth intentionally ... "but everyone says I'm funny"

My mom says Im special and she also repeatedly says any girl would be happy to have me... even after I came out

The Eyes have it

I had a bit of a scare this weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday.... actually I started to notice me eyelids getting really tired towards the end of my shifts in the middle of this week. But Saturday and Sunday were a bit more scarry

I haven't been on the computer too much.. And I got a good 7-8 hrs of sleep eventually both nites before. During the day though my eyelids have been really bad. I was barely able to keep them open while getting a haircut and book shopping this weekend... It actually took concerted effort to keep them open and on Sunday I was not tired or sleepy at all... They are falling pretty bad lately

Im just really glad I have my Neurologist appointment coming up... I do wish they could see me earlier though. I hope I can get the eyelid surgery soon... If they dont approve it I'll be pissed, frickin Myasthenia Gravis bitches! - The name alone sounds so bad I should get a free pass on everything... "You kicked my child?!?!? Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS... Im sooo sorry, kick him again" "Come back here with that case of stolen Grey Goose!!! ... Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS take another case why dont you, and do you need someone to drive you too?"

That would be amazing :P

Currently listening:
Achtung Baby
By U2

Distortions n Distractions

I just finished reading "Media Control: The Spectacular Achievements of Propaganda" by Noam Chomsky. I don't know how I feel about this since it greatly conflicts with my overzealous "claim to lame" and illiteracy.

Aside from that, it was a great little read (really less than 90 pages.. more of a pamphlet). It took the small of amount of ideas/thoughts I already have on the state of our media, politics and perception and expanded greatly upon them. He delivers this with bite and wit so its a pretty entertaining read. The topics and themes discussed are perfectly related to my script which I have been slackin on till recently. "The Fog Of War" and this book have a given me huge inspiration.

In the book he consistantly refers to "the bewildered herd", and how it is the job of the ruling elite to keep the "the bewildered herd" (or the general masses) distracted from what is of actual importance, or from being real participants in democracy. Give them something else to occupy their thoughts and concern, like the Superbowl

Ironically while I am reading... I have music on in the background and, on mute, The NBA Finals are on. I had to put the book down half way through because, well it was a great game and it went into overtime with The Heat coming from behind to win by 1 point, and now lead the series 3-2. This after the Maverics looked like they were dominating the Heat, and the Championship was all but sealed with a 2-0 lead.

What was I talking about? I got caught up in the action... :P

So yeah.. I might be reading more but my lameness still prevails. I'll still flaunt my illiteracy like a 40yr old first-time newlywed 15 yrs in-the-waiting flashes her engagement ring.

A great resurgence for me though. I will have to read more of his, um stuff. But 1st "Imperial Hubris" and "A History of God: The 4000 year quest of Judaism, Christiantity, and Islam" is next. - I can't believe I have actual books sitting next to me that are waiting to be read (not just a list that I will never get to!)... What's next a boyfriend? Insanity

Currently listening to:
By Bob Dylan

I NEED that!

When you can't seem to sleep, turning on the TV can be dangerous. Its during those weak hrs that they come out of nowhere for you, and get you...

Dual head drill action? Home pilates gym? 4 in one grill plate? Magic Ladder? Increase my reading rate by more than 200%? Magic Hooks? ... I'll take it!

Damn you Elle McPhereson, Patrick Duffy, Hulk Hogan, misc sports and soap stars! Why are you so convincing at 5am


Sometimes you slam into a wall. Shock anger and frustrtion takes hold and you do everything mindless in the moment to take that sucker down. Usually more than a little pain a humilation and stupidity present themselves, before more concentrated focused efforts present start to take shape. Battle plans are drawn up. But all still fails. That fricken still stands!!! Damn the chinese are good (or whomever errected this monster). Eventually after several failed attempts - the last few seeming like sure winners - you start to make yourself comfortable to mastermind a new plan. Eventually comfort sorta takes hold and you enjoy yourself a little.

Then somehow a reminder hits you on the head. While climbing a tree and to pick fuit or some shit, you fall and find yourself in someplace new. "What the hell am I doing here again?" And you remember the dreaded wall... and start to have the dread and anger return when suddenly you realise.."Shit Im on the other side" Then you get angry cause all your goods are still back in the other side... there's always something to be upset about.

taking a look around it is a desolate wasteland with no signs of life anywhere, except for a few tiny seedling you see starting to sprout up. All blank and ready life to begin...

Good thing I wasnt here earlier... thank God the chinese built that stupid wall

Currently listening to:
By U2

Monday, June 12, 2006


In this life everything seems sliightly more complicated than it needs to be.

In order to go to school I have to see an advisor and register for classes... In order to register for classes I have to show proof that my immunizations are all up to date. My parents lost my records. So I had a Doctors apt today - I told the nurse over the phone when making hte apt that one of the reasons I was there was to get my MMR and dt immunizations. I also told the receptionsist this. Then the doctor came in to see me did his usual stuff. And since I am HMO I really am there just to get a referral so that I can see a Neurologist, who will really be taking care of my case, but I cant just go straight to him unless I wanted to pay more monthly. So the Doc leaves and tells me to wait. Then the nurse comes in and takes me to another place which looks like where you set up the next apt and so forth. I havent had my shots yet but I am starting to think "Oh maybe I get those when I get my lab work done" But as the prcoss starts to go along I start to realize, that probably isnt the case. So I tell the lady I was here to get my MMR and Dt. And she brings the nurse back, who was nice, but also told me I need to tell them this at the beginning.... I did, on the phone an when I first arrived! WOW!

so I got my referral to the Neurologist and call to make an apt. BUT I cant yet until they get the referral is faxed to them, and that hasnt been done yet so I have to wait until tomorrow

Wouldnt it be great if you could just walk in to a clinic, ask for a Neurologist and one pops up and could see you... That would be amazing

Friday, June 09, 2006

OH MY GAWD! ... shhhh did you hear that too?!?

I was just listening to The Dears, who I had completely forgotten about until I just happened upon their name on someone's profile.

So I was sitting pleasantly writing, with TV in background, my mind a bit scattered but content.

THEN IT HAPPENED! - Out of nowhere That scarry beast resurrected itself! It's shreakish call made every hair stand on end and rattled my aching bones. It peireced the air like LIGHTNING! and shattered all thought and calm that remained within me...

WTF! .... OH MY GAWD NO! ... Is that an 80s SAXOPHONE BREAK!

... GOD where are you! - not anywhere in this damn song.

now wtf was I writing.. what? where AM I? What just happened?... Its all blown away

...somebody hold me

Currently listening:
No Cities Left
By The Dears

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Something in the air

Nothing was as it usually is. Its musical chairs behind me at work - everyone who sits there ends up leaving soon after. Its just become vacant again, I know how to reel em in and keep em. When things like that happen I feel the heightened sense that I must do something to break shake things up. Its that feeling that everyone is moving but I'm static. But I know must stay.

I havent done much writing, listening to music or even blogging as of late. But suddenly Im flooded with activity

Its wierd when the world around you seems to somehow reflect your feelings and where you are at. Walking into work the air was light and it felt cool, in vegas. The sky was insane tonight. Lighting stretched across itthe blackness seeming to leave permanent scratches in the sky. The thunder was in surround sound. Walking outside felt as if I was in another time and space. In Vegas where everything is fake fascades neon, plastic, and concrete, its rare that nature is palpable aside from the sun...

But something is in the air

Monday, June 05, 2006

Dumb Emails!

OH WOW! I just realised that I sent out a bunch of drunken emails this morning!

I'm not even gonna check how many I sent...

What is it about me a drunkeness, where emailing random retardation seems so natural and logical when it is happening? I love my lameness

WINNA! that was her name. That was buggin me all day. It was going to fester into a giant tumor if I didnt remember the name of my sister's freind who always made fun of my amazing face-touching pic!

Currently listening:
In Case We Die
By Architecture in Helsinki


I was about to exit Myspace when some random profile popped up on "Cool New People". It was a face-toucher pic!

My immediate reaction is amusement cuz it looks so gay. And I realized... damn it Im a face-toucher. But I never touch my face in pictures unless I am faking shock and/or doing my japanese girl giggling impression. Guys who touch their face in pics either give me immediate gay or cheesy vibes. Maybe this is due to my childhood mall pics. Doesn't everyone have one of these sets - Where your parents dress you up and take you to the mall or the cheesy Dept. store to have your pictures taken. There is always one where you are standing with one leg resting on an elevated platform and maybe you have a jacket slung over your shoulder... and then there is always to face-toucher pic - Usually in some type of lying stomach down position, and with both hands clasped in an upside down V under your chin.

My sister's friend... wow damn, i forgot her name, it will come back... but I remember she would do that pose every time she saw me because both poses were hanging over the fireplace. I should blow them up to gargantuan size and post them as my main pic on my profile and also hang them in my room

Currently listening:
Ghosts of the Great Highway
By Sun Kil Moon