Tuesday, February 28, 2006

My Island!

I am trying to write on a more consistant basis, whether it is random ideas, blogs, working on the script, bits n pieces for new scripts, ... whatever, just get it down. In the morning I usually have time between calls to thrown down some chicken scratch

02-27-06 5:55am

Panic! What will we do if we can't get our shoes! It's the end!

Our heads snap back in horror. Pause. Snap back to pecking at the the keys... and ... and nothing. Peck peck (In some form of Filipino language I belive that means a woman's goodies downstairs) ... Peck peck... but the response is jibberish. Snapback and hands in the air! - because the computer naturally understands and responds to such body language. And we must stay ready to tell customers that we cant do anything right now.

In the morning, the heard moves together and gathers to the distant left of me. I hear them grazing across the plains between calls. Occassionally if I pop my head outta the prariedog hole I can even see them across the field. I am the lone Buffalo on the right side of the great plains in the morning. But soon when I go to evening shift I will join my own heard, as right side of the plains is where the night buffalo graze.

So it doesnt quite make sense that I am a buffalo popping out of a prarie dog hole, but between calls it'll do :P

Monday, February 27, 2006

Wallow in Waste

It's rare that I remember my dreams, and I barely remember this one, maybe just a small part of it...

One of those horrible ugly little creatures that parents insist on believing are cute, ya know... babies. This of course excludes my lovely little nieces, all 3, and my cousin's little one as well. But the one in my dream was actually not so bad. It was not nearly as grotesque as those alien little newborn coneheads. No sane person can honestly admit that their freshly cracked newborn is cute.

Mothers can be excused their insanity, after-all they are hopped up on drugs and an epidural - which, by the way, is quite heavenly, and I'm speaking from experience. They have carried this creature in their belly for nine months, then spent the last few hours expelling the beast out their vagina. THEIR VAGINA... try pushing some screaming LIVING thing outta any of your orifices and see how sane you will be... I've seen several of those slimy suckas being squeezed outta the pink darkness and none of it is pretty...

But back to my dream... baby

There it was on all fours, naked and quite content. But something was not quite right. The little mutant began to crawl with a strange awareness, determination, and purpose that newborns do not possess. It was like it had the movement, drive and intent of an adult. It knew where is was going and what it wanted. Its movements were firm stable and sure, without a hint of wobbling, or lack of focus. Then suddenly, it went straight into a muddy mess. It was flooded in feces, and playing with it. The idiot creature knew what it was, went after it, and continued to cover itself in it. It had the movements and determination of an adult but did not have sense enough to know not to play in its own excrement. This seemed to go on forever and baby never seemed to tire of it. It didn't even cry.

Now I know I was watching the baby baste itself in this brown batter, yet I can't help but wonder if this was me. I know I, in the dream I never felt myself playing or seeing from the creature's perspective, but I do wonder if its supposed to represent me in some way.

Friday, February 24, 2006

SHOOOOEEWEEEEET!

YES!!! today was kinda Shhooooeweeeeet!

Well first its Danny's bday! Happy Bday Platinum! Work went by really fast. My shoes came in and the are sweet. Then to top everything... we have "Tech Seminars" quite often at work, where Shoe Company Reps come and education us on their production - a "Shoe-minar"... Occasionally they give us free little things like key chains, hats, T-shirts etc. Sometimes we get cool stuff. I recently got a comfy pair of flip-flops. For a little while I was thinking "Damn, am I gonna get fired? Do they not like me?" cuz I had bad timing with the phone calls and didn't get called in for the Shoe-minars. But that was just bad luck

Today I won an iPod Shuffle! Shhooooeweeeeet!

My luck is coming up... Im gonna win over a million dollars next... But I guess I would actually have to gamble for that to happen.. hmmmm when the voices tell me to I will (Most of my friends know that I won a nice little jackpot once because voices told me to go gamble, but thats a long story) ... Shoet for the Stars ... lame hahahahaha

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Loathing Fear and Las Vegas

It swells up inside me. Festering around my nerves and muscles, making every movemnt difficult. It cripples and can cause paralysis and death. Death of my mind soul and spirit and life. The unseen can be like a virus slowly infecting my brain, my every thought, as I sit there alone and unwittingly nurture it and prvoide it with all the necessities to fester and grow out of control. I forget that I am the one who incubated it to begin with, esp by the time it has taken over my whole body

Then suddenly I just move forward without thought and the disease disappears.

And the unseen is becomes more visiable and not scarry at all, after the fact. At this moment is when I realise that I create my own diesease. What stops me is myself, my own fears. Its hard to remember this when Im swallowed up by fear and can barely think, but I need to.

2 areas of life that I want most I have feared so greatly, more then death and illness: Love and career. It is because it means more to me than everything else, and both are extremely personal. The reason why doesnt necessarily matter. What matters is the mindset that "failure" in these isnt a big deal, and I can easily overcome them, once I put myself out there. But its the fear that I let hold me back.

I was sooooo fuckin scared to ask some boy out, for fear of rejection, but it wasnt a big fuckin deal, only in my head. I also just let Brian read what I have so far on my script and that was really hard and scarry and took alot to just ask him to read it "What if Doppio doesn't like me or says no" "What if Brian hates the script" -- well shit, now that its over, its sucks that I got rejected but big fuckin deal. And if Brian hates it, someone else could like it and I can take the criticism and rewrite, not a big deal. But I make them a big deal and need to learn to stop.

I need to treat thing like how I did when I found out I had Mysthenia Gravis and when I had surgery. Everything with that was so simple. A just do it mentality. Yes there have been breakdown moments when I get scared, frustrated, angry, or emotional in relation to it, but for the most part I have just taken it as something that I have to do or work around and that is it. With this I never let the fear fester inside of me - that crippling emotional state where every "what if" becomes an attack on a vital organ.

So Im getting there rejection was not bad at all, and Brian had some good critiques after his first pass . I am my only enemy... wll me and this other Mike Sabino that must be wiped out.

On somewhat of a sidenote, but slightly related. I really do need to find new freinds. I enjoy my freinds here is Vegas and like them alot. But I do need to find people closer to my age. I also need to find people who share my passions and mindset. I need to surround myself with people who I admire and respect alot. This is not to say that the freinds I have here are lame. They are good people and good freinds, but...

Lately I have really missed LA. I always miss individuals to varying degrees throughout my life here. I miss Koob, Stef, Brian, Raqi, Helen, Terrell, Cory, Kathy, Alice... Kim & Tony, Alex & Holly, the other Alice. Part of this is the city itself. Vegas is great, but if East Coasters think LA is vapid, empty, full of itself and popculture, and devoid of anything real, just come to Vegas for a larger dose of braindead self-indulgence. But what I am missing most is people, right now it is not just the individuals listed above, but the groups as well. There was a cohesiveness and dynamic there. These people inspire me not just with their individual talents, motivation, drive, and ambition, but as a group. There is a dynamic and electricity that is set off when certain people collide and I have not had that in the groups here... yet. It is not just nostalgia, because that energy is in the air whenever I see them, and it is vibrant and fresh. If I can find 1 person that is a fraction of that, it will make me happy

I will find some new people here

Sunday, February 19, 2006

UNICO SABINO

I can almost taste the gelatto!

I'm one baby step closer to being Italiano! Today at my professione I was chatting with a customer. She lives part time in Italy and of course I told her of my dream to be Italian, telling her its partly because of my last name. She said her roommate is part Italian and Argentinian and has the same last name which is ITALIANO!

PAZZO! - For those of you who aren't Italian like I am ;) that means CRAZY!

Im one step closer to being Italian! Im sooooo excited! I'm gonna take Italian when I go back to school!

ALE!


Darn it! I haven't been taking my medication in a long time... So I took it today, er I think I did. I hate that! DETESTARE! The bottle was open but I can't remember if I put it in my mouth. And If I tried to take another one... that just a whole lotta bad - cramps spasms, jitters

PAZZO! - I should make notes to myself, I always forget

The Italian thing was really excitng esp since I discovered there is another Mike Sabino on Myspace, but he is Filipino, and or course Im Italian... He must not be allowed to continue,... there is only one UNICO!

Punchy - Work vs Life

Punch in, punch out. Input, output. Get ready to get up, get ready to lay down. Fuel up, and garbage out. Then fill in the gaps.

Is this it?

You know what you will do tomorrow, and the next day and the day after that. I wonder where life went even as I file it away. LIFE… LIVING has become the afterthought to work. Everything has revolved around the work clock…

I have a new schedule in March – 3pm-12pm. At first I wasn’t so sure about it. Now I am really happy with my choice. I was thinking I would not like it at work at night because time may go by too slow, I would see everyone go home before me, no one at work would have my schedule (only 2 shifts are at this time) and I would not see my work friends at work. Then it hit me, these were complaints mainly revolving around work itself, placing work at the center. This schedule actually puts my LIFE first – it allows for school, and going out and having a weekend. Life so easily starts to revolve around work with everything else becoming secondary. I’ve done that before, no more.
Where did my randomness and spontaneity go? SCHNARF!

Kill the routine!

SCHNARF! SCHNARF!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Oh Canada! Cometh! - Raise the Red Maple!

Once upon a time Canada was nothing but the United States ugly shy step-sister. Or at least this was my view of it, and of the rest of the world's, of course, because everyone thinks like me.

I pictured nothing but Ice and Mounties. Afterall it is the country that delivered us Celine Dion, Shania Twain and that group that sang the "mmm mmm mmm mmm" song . What could possibly be good about this white-washed and white-covered place.

Then something happened... It probably started much sooner, but this was the real turning point, the spark that opened up everything else great that might have even already been there.

Dubya!

The name alone screams of wit and intelligence doesn't it? And makes me want to cower away to another country and yell out "That's not all of us... I swear!" It wasn't until I realized that Arcade Fire, Broken Social Scene, Wolf Parade, and the Stars were some of the most played bands on my iPod that I realized its Canada time! My friend and I joked about moving to Canada after "Dubya part deux" - what's sad is that it really wasn't much of a joke, the desire was certainly there.. But then, there is all that ice! hahahaha

I think it happened almost as a rule of nature. The world , or at least North America needed some sense of Balance. With Dubya, Creed, Hoobastank, Yellowcard, Britney, Paris, and a whole host of other mindless idiots becoming inescapable, Canada needed to act as counterbalance and step their shit up, and they did!

Thank You Canucks! No longer will I only see you as the land that gave us Celine Dion

and My heart will go on


-sidenote: I also saw a small gay movie from Canada that was pretty good. Most gay movies really suck, and not in a good way!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Earf!

I love it sometimes when something so small can bring you such joy. The other day I had me some chinese food. I haven't had chinese in a long time. Usually when I order chinese I have to try and eat all the vegetable crap first and save the meat for last cuz I usually don't like eating things that weren't once alive. So I gulped down those baby carrots snow peas and ... other stuff, waiting in anticipation till I get me a nice big piece of meat in my mouth. Then I bit into a mushroom

LUSCIOUS!!! Juices were bursting inside my mouth! Who knew plant-life could be so fuckin juicy? It was one of those moments where you somehow feel much more closely connected to the earf! and you think to yourself "Mother fuckin NATURE!" .. even though, ironically you are eating the earf. Maybe it feels like this only to idiots who have no connection at all to mother earf, who lives his life often sheltered from the sun.

It was one of those days where the tiniest things were just amazing. I was drinking tea as well and thinking "Dude... the elders sure knew what the fuck they were doing cuz this tea is making everything else taste sooo much better".

EARF!

This brings up one of my other fantasies and also ideas for business.. not for myself but for whomever is One with the land, ...and stuff. Now I have never been a really capable person who can survive and macgyver my way around and live off the land. So I know they have camping and back to nature trips. I have never even been fishing. It has been a small wish of mine to kill my own food. So this mushroom shit has brought that desire back. There should be a city slicker retreat where you have to kill you meals. But for the pathetic and also those with poor coordination and bad depth perception, the owners can just thrown down a dead animal and pretend you actually killed it: "Look ma! This here yeller feller nabbed him a biggin! Good on ya!" -- Cuz those who live off the land and kill their own food always talk like that, of course

Maybe I've been watching too much Lord Of The Rings - the box set just came in the mail.

The day consisted of other small pleasures like a great episode of Lost, Project Runway being on, and Yahoo had this advertisement with the cutest guy on it that I had to go back to whenever taking a writing break... But nothing quite compared to the bursting of earfly juices in my mouth.

Damn that mushroom head was luscious!

Word!

So I think I have discovered that I really do like to write, and sometimes even love it. I never thought that I did. I considered myself a storyteller and want to direct but never thought I loved writing. My problem is focus and discipline. Lately I have had a problem with the script. I know what needs to go down next, but only small bits and pieces are coming out. I think this is because I need to find a way to emotionally connect with this part of it. I find myself REALLY enjoying writing small things like blogs and other little odds n ends, as well as certain sections of the script. But certain parts it is taking forever to get past. A writing partner would be great, so I can immediately bounce ideas off of, and so we can spark each other. Victor was that at first, but I soon found that this was not a reliable source. But that energy I do want at the moment.

I love it when I get into a certain mode and things just flow, which is what all of my blogs tend to be there isn't any editing outside of spellcheck sometimes, or forethought. It's just fuckin writing what is in my head and that's why I enjoy them so much I guess.
Maybe right now in the script its hard because I have no one else to push me and its an exposition area, where certain things just have to happen and that isn't as interesting or emotionally involving, but I need to find a way to make it so.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Doppio Dreams

Valentines day...

...

hmmmm I got nothing

I don't mean anything material, I mean it was just uneventful. The most that happened today was that one of my lame dreams came true, well somewhat: The haircut lady thought I was Italian!

It has been one of my ridiculous life quests to eventually become Italian. This germinated from my last name, and Life is Beautiful. When I get plastic surgery I may even try to go for a slight Italian look... Whatever that is. And the ONLY reason I would ever want children is so I can have odd little Asian freaks running around speaking Italian, and so I can yell joyously "MY BAMBINO SABINOS" (Ecstatically waving both arms in the air). There really is no other desire in me for children, outside of this dream and being left out when everyone else has kids. If I do ever have my bambinos I will have to edit out the rest of their childhood from my existence... hmmm I guess that means, from their perspective, some strange man (who somehow "isn't quite right") occasionally will come in and joyously call them bambinos, hug them, throw money at them, make them prepare a cocktail for him and then disappear, with another strange man, and some strange little Asian girls (my faghags) who cackle loudly.

DOPPIO! - SIDENOTE: I worked at Starbucks for one month, and had a crush on a starbucks boy. While the manual suggests that "Doppio" means a double shot, I beg to differ. My Definition ..1 is an exclamation point carrying with it an added connotation that means what it sounds like - dope dufus dork or whatever, but with an affectionate almost proud way. You would yell it joyously like when you yell "BAMBINO"! Definition ..2 was one of many code/pet names for starbucks crush, but only to be used when appropriate as an ending exclamation. i.e. "Guess who I ran into today? DOPPIO!"

But going away from dreamland and back to haircut lady... She thought I was Italian not just from my name but from looks as well.

DOPPIO!"

That was scary! I was thinking "shit, and this lady is going to cut my hair?" but it turned out OK I guess

So outside of this, 2 somewhat big events have came up. 1st the sad/bad. My uncle died. I spent alot of time running around this uncle's house with my little cousin, tearing up their furniture cushions and rearranging the couches to make furniture fortresses and fly out of them in my Superman cape made out of blankets. Occasionally the neighbor boy came over to play as well. He was always Robin to my Batman and we would always get caught in some dastardly trap like on the campy TV show - the "trap" being us rolling around tangled up together underneath the sheets.... Hmmmm I wonder if this gave away my "secret" identity.

Damn, those were the days! When life consisted of nothing more than making shit up in your head and running around and making the rest of the world conform to this vision, while uncle tried to shove food in your mouth while you are "flying" around the house. "These sofas and loveseats rearranged with massive cushions, is our INDESTRUCTIBLE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE!" and everyone would follow. "Roll around with me under the sheets We're trapped!", and neighbor boy would just follow. Today, somehow, for reasons that escape me, that would be creepy! hahaha They don't just follow like they used to.

DOPPIO!

The other big event is that it has been 3 months, I passed my test, I am finally permanent FT status at work, and that means pay raise, bigger discount, and BENEFITS! I can go to the Doctor again SOON! And hopefully I can have my eyelids fixed and paid for by insurance! I can't wait for this surgery! I almost want to go completely opposite from the sleepy tired faded stoner eyes I have now, since they have such a downer impact. A part of me wants to go 180 and have wild wide open excited eyes almost like Im on uppers, or just INSANE hahahahahhaha!

DOPPIO!