Loathing Fear and Las Vegas

It swells up inside me. Festering around my nerves and muscles, making every movemnt difficult. It cripples and can cause paralysis and death. Death of my mind soul and spirit and life. The unseen can be like a virus slowly infecting my brain, my every thought, as I sit there alone and unwittingly nurture it and prvoide it with all the necessities to fester and grow out of control. I forget that I am the one who incubated it to begin with, esp by the time it has taken over my whole body

Then suddenly I just move forward without thought and the disease disappears.

And the unseen is becomes more visiable and not scarry at all, after the fact. At this moment is when I realise that I create my own diesease. What stops me is myself, my own fears. Its hard to remember this when Im swallowed up by fear and can barely think, but I need to.

2 areas of life that I want most I have feared so greatly, more then death and illness: Love and career. It is because it means more to me than everything else, and both are extremely personal. The reason why doesnt necessarily matter. What matters is the mindset that "failure" in these isnt a big deal, and I can easily overcome them, once I put myself out there. But its the fear that I let hold me back.

I was sooooo fuckin scared to ask some boy out, for fear of rejection, but it wasnt a big fuckin deal, only in my head. I also just let Brian read what I have so far on my script and that was really hard and scarry and took alot to just ask him to read it "What if Doppio doesn't like me or says no" "What if Brian hates the script" -- well shit, now that its over, its sucks that I got rejected but big fuckin deal. And if Brian hates it, someone else could like it and I can take the criticism and rewrite, not a big deal. But I make them a big deal and need to learn to stop.

I need to treat thing like how I did when I found out I had Mysthenia Gravis and when I had surgery. Everything with that was so simple. A just do it mentality. Yes there have been breakdown moments when I get scared, frustrated, angry, or emotional in relation to it, but for the most part I have just taken it as something that I have to do or work around and that is it. With this I never let the fear fester inside of me - that crippling emotional state where every "what if" becomes an attack on a vital organ.

So Im getting there rejection was not bad at all, and Brian had some good critiques after his first pass . I am my only enemy... wll me and this other Mike Sabino that must be wiped out.

On somewhat of a sidenote, but slightly related. I really do need to find new freinds. I enjoy my freinds here is Vegas and like them alot. But I do need to find people closer to my age. I also need to find people who share my passions and mindset. I need to surround myself with people who I admire and respect alot. This is not to say that the freinds I have here are lame. They are good people and good freinds, but...

Lately I have really missed LA. I always miss individuals to varying degrees throughout my life here. I miss Koob, Stef, Brian, Raqi, Helen, Terrell, Cory, Kathy, Alice... Kim & Tony, Alex & Holly, the other Alice. Part of this is the city itself. Vegas is great, but if East Coasters think LA is vapid, empty, full of itself and popculture, and devoid of anything real, just come to Vegas for a larger dose of braindead self-indulgence. But what I am missing most is people, right now it is not just the individuals listed above, but the groups as well. There was a cohesiveness and dynamic there. These people inspire me not just with their individual talents, motivation, drive, and ambition, but as a group. There is a dynamic and electricity that is set off when certain people collide and I have not had that in the groups here... yet. It is not just nostalgia, because that energy is in the air whenever I see them, and it is vibrant and fresh. If I can find 1 person that is a fraction of that, it will make me happy

I will find some new people here