I don't know what is wrong with my people.
Maybe its self-fulfilling prophecy. I have always felt estranged from an particular group, scene, clique or whatever. I've always felt like an outsider, and in some cases have a certain pride and arrogance about that. I kinda thought, after accepting my gayness, that this might end or I might find my people or something.
This is not the case at all. In fact, currently I feel even more out of place. So you would think that lack of sex and any real relationship would just drive me into a wild frenzy of sex and debauchery and I would just slut it up and go dickwild, since I came out so late.
Lately I'm barely even horny (of course I'm horny in general, but not much). IM a total gaysnob - I've been to the clubs and bars, but find the scene empty, kinda boring, superficial, and with really bad taste in music. I started to get my feet wet on the internet and go to places like myspace, manhunt, and gay.com but the latter 2 is all about sex, and for some reason I just am not interested at all.
I tried out craigslist, and even under the platonic section alot of that crap is just about hooking up. On myspace there are always advertisements for "outpersonals" So I decided to look them up. It sounded much tamer than manhunt or gay.com. The very first page of profiles was full of the main pic of guy's profiles, which were all close-up of DICKS. DICKS everywhere! You didn't even need to sign in or anything. BAM Penis in your face!
At the same time I emailed a few seemingly "normal" gay guys on myspace not even out of attraction but just because they appeared to be normal. Turn out at least one super paranoid asking me several times "how did you find me?" - Dude! Its a fricken public forum
In a day or 2, maybe 3, I will have less of a bitter taste in my mouth for gays, but for now... Fags suck ass! hahaha
About Me
- mbeano
- I'm intellingently stupid, and retardedly witty. Like a magnet, I repel and attract... often at the same time. And like some bacterial parasites, at first you may feel the instinct to get rid of me, but eventually you get used to me, and in reality I have become part of your normal flora and actually necessary - ya know, how they help break down shit that you wouldnt be able to otherwise. That's me :P Im full of supposed contradictions: Love indie music but hate scenesters, although I occasionally will where the uniform but only if Im in a non scenester setting. I digs me some jesus but need a little lucifer. I like boys, but when Im drunk I love playing with boobies like a little boy plays with GI Joes. I usually piss on art but all my freinds are artistic and I am going into a creative industry... maybe I just like to take the piss out of art. I absolutely love my family and esp. freinds more than anything, I am full of love, and I love to hate (playhate)
3 comments:
Now that is an interesting post...
I think it is good that you don't fit into the sterotype (and especially that you don't have a Pedro picture on your profile). Seriously though Mike, so many people get trapped into thinking that relationships are just all about sex and that is such a hollow paradigm to live from. Props to you.
Your point of view reminds me a lot of a good friend of mine. He too laments the gay lifestyle from a general standpoint, just in that he seems to meet all the wrong people, etc.
Ran across your blog via the 'next blog' button...interesting writing.
Well thanks for posting that Mob. It is somewaht comforting to know that other guys in the gay world have a hard time swallowing up some of the gay culture
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