Stalking The Troops

This was an email sent to my freinds. It is probably the seed, or maybe turning point in my bloggin or online journaling. It was also a turning point in life perspective. How the Chronicles of lameness germinated, and having an attitude to not just mock my own lameness but fully embrace it, and hide practically nothing. I already am this way with close freinds, but felt the need to be this way completely.

So since this email was fairly personal, really lame, and started a shift in writing for me in general, I thought I needed to post it here. Its really freakin long so if you're about to read, grab yourself a snack so you don't fall asleep at the keyboard:


2006-02-02
History of Mike's Lameness: The Starfucker Chapters

Flashback to the Gap days, probably May.
At this point I usually worked a 7a-4p shift in the stock room, lifting boxes, unpacking, breaking down boxes, and sorting clothes and then putting them away. By 2pm its Starbucks time... I need an energy booster. We go to Starbucks right next door. My friend Amy is a sassy little round ball of a girl, quick with the tongue. She’s so skilled with her wit she'll slice you a new one - Koob would be sashimi’d in a second. She loves me, and naturally I am fond of her - natural faghag material. She just started working at another Starbucks so she is spitting out a bunch of comments about how things should be done and need to be improved here. I’m just laughing along not noticing anything at all. Then suddenly the Gates of Heaven opened up and spewed forth the most gorgeous Starbucks boy that ever lived.
Amy is being her usual self, cracking jokes, then, out comes this sound. It was a sound with enough power to take away the words from Amy’s mouth... The impossible happened, she was speechless! As impossible to imagine as Kathy being dumbfounded and struck mute when in full-blown erect prairie dog attack mode.

While Amy was stunned into silence...

The sound can only be described as somewhere between a pig’s snort and a donkey whine... With the same stuttering nonstop repetition

I was in my own heaven! This boy is beautiful and he has won me over with his freakish otherworldly mating call. I knew... Like the way you know you’re gonna have a good shit - not just one of those 1 – 2 droplets, but the kind where you feel all emptied out and have delivered an ugly baby.

Amy gives me a look, expecting me to crack up with her at what she just experienced. Both our mouths are gaping open in disbelief. She kept nudging me, expecting me to bust out laughing with her, eventually her egging turning to frustration and then realization. NO! You can’t be falling for that dufus!

And so started my obsession with Starfucker.

Before this heavenly moment I didn’t go to Starbucks much at all. I quickly became a regular. But it was rare that I would see him. But on the few occasions I did see him, I was tired, a little sweaty, smelling of cardboard plastic and the sweat and blood of the 3rd world children who made the clothes mixed with my own. Covered in little scraps from boxes and packaging and dust. I could never seem to get him when they took our order; he was always doing something in the back. The few times I did, all I got out was lame small talk.

So I didn’t see him for a long time, and then one day I took my friend Billy home. We stopped by Starbucks on the way out, and Billy being Billy (this is the guy that is turning into a cross-dresser) asked for his number. WOW! That was fine cuz if I was too scared to, I’m not gonna stop him. But he called and got nowhere.
Everyone else at that Starbucks I can have much better small talk with and they know my name and drink. Starfucker never seems to know it!

One day I am waiting for my friends at the movies. I call them up. And some guy comes up to me, ITS HIM! He introduces himself and knows my fuckin name! STARFUCKER KNOWS MY NAME. I get all excited and try to get off the phone but end up fumbling around retardedly. And while I am trying to get off the phone, for some reason, he keeps talking! I even gave him the hold on, and told him wait Ill get off the phone, but dufus kept on talking, and by the time I got off he was gone.
Weirdo! Who keeps talking while someone is obviously on the phone? But that lameness just intrigued me.
1 or 2 more run-ins happened with no results. One day Billy runs into him out in the hallways of the mall. In typical Junior High School fashion (as this crush has already been going) Billy goes up to him and says “Hey ___! You know my friend Mike? I think he likes you”. Thanks for the Junior High School flashback Billy – Tomorrow lets pass him a note and fold it into clever little origami shapes. So Starfucker responds “Oh I just started seeing someone... But if you want to hang out I’m usually at Hamburger Mary’s on Fridays”

Billy and I went one of the following Fridays, he wasn’t there; he was at the Killers Concert which somehow I didn’t know about (ARG). Turns out he was not lying about seeing someone. By this time I was stalking him online. And his myspace status changed to “In a relationship” and he had a new faggy boy on the TOP of his top 8 peeps on myspace. Myspace has really because a stalker’s tool. So relief, it wasn’t just a nice letdown!

End of crush... Until one fine day! FAGBOY is gone from his myspace Top 8, and his status is changed to Single! The Stalking recommences. BUT By this time, I am no longer working at the mall. In fact I rarely have gone to the mall at all. There have been a handful of small exchanges with him on myspace but that’s it.

And one day I was getting over a flu or cold and went into Starbucks, he was there! I tried to have a conversation with him but it just didn’t go anywhere!
Now a little background: Everyone keeps telling me how weird he is. There are a few Gap workers who also work at that Starbucks, and several say that Starfucker is weird but no one can say exactly how or why. His myspace responses also allude to this as well. Conversation or communication may not be his strongest skill... Maybe that’s why he is usually in the back when working? Or maybe it’s the pig-donkey laugh? But whatever the case... The weirdness has me even more intrigued!

So VERY LONG story, just a tiny bit shorter... Fast-forward. We have a company party at the end of January at Studio 54, closed off for just us with free booze! I decide to go to the mall and buy some clothes. If I see him I would try to muster up the courage to ask the fucker out, and go with me to the party (He just turned 21 in Nov. I haven't seen him since, cuz of work and never being at the mall). Fuckhead wasn’t there! So I took my gay friend. It was a side goal to try and discover who at work was obviously gay, or at least somewhat gay – turns out we became the “obvious gays”

Every single guy who I thought might be gay and also the ones who I hoped were gay, introduced me to their frickin girlfriends. There was one, who I don’t even like at all, but was just hoping to find some gay friends, who introduced me to his girlfriend, and I think I was drunk enough to actually blurt out loud, “Girlfriend? Really?” But my freind and I got super plastered, and I guess I made a few small discoveries about myself. I definitely have no attraction to him. We are both drunk and horny and he is all over me, more just out of loneliness and horniness. And I had to push him away a little. So guess I’m not naturally a slut... Maybe after my first time I could be but not now. Also I guess if I have a little bitch on my arm I naturally go into full-blown butch with him. Cuz as we are dancing all over the place I got really aggro grabbing and pushing him really aggressively – I think at one point I had his belt wrapped around his neck and his pants were practically falling off. But every time he would get too close, I’d let him know who was boss and shove him away... I think this means I may be more of a top than a bottom, or at least with an obvious bottom boy I take complete control.

Anyways that was a bit of a side story. Back to Starfucker. So I wasn’t able to ask him to the party damn it. And I’ve been growing more and more antsy that I just have to do something about it...

Last week I had to go to UNLV, and made a call to one of my friends to ask her where to park, She didn’t answer. After I was done I decide to go to the mall (this mall is not close to where I live, its on the strip). Check to see if Starfucker is there... NO! So I decide to check to see if any of my friends are working (they are all in separate stores now, so it takes a little time to walk all around) I look afar to see if Starfucker is there but I don't see him. I’m almost at my car when I get a call from my friend who I called earlier. So I go back up to talk to her while she is on her break. And she is getting all serious and shit. Then out of the corner of my eye (the bad one) I see that he has passed by! He’s here! But I have to pay attention to serious shit for now until she has to go back from her break. After this I of course go to Starbucks and the line is long. But he is there still in street clothes. We just smile at each other. By the time I get up to the counter he has gone to the back to clock in FUCK

So just a few days earlier He posted a bulletin on Myspace about supporting the troops (His best friend is in the Military) and if we wanted to send anything send it to his unit. So after I missed him at Starbucks, out of lameness and shyness, I needed more of an excuse to message him on myspace. I ended up buying a CASE of Pringles for his friend’s unit! A CASE! That is like 19 canisters! But Starfucker replied back to me :) So yes, there was a part of me that was doing it because I don’t do shit for my country and these people put themselves in danger to protect us (whether I agree with them being there is a different issue) so why not send something to them. But the real driving force behind my “Supporting The Troops” was to get with one of the Troops buddies!

I’ve been growing restless and NEED to do something about my crush on Starfucker...

IT’S MALL TIME!

Again, similar scenario. I check Starbucks first. He isn't there. I go to Gap to talk with one of my friends while she is on Break, check Starbucks... Still don’t see him. Visit other stores to see if my friends are working. Then I call up my freind on my way out to see if he still wants me to meet him at Hamburger Mary’s. As I am getting off the phone, I see from afar a guy with pants that are too stiff and not tight enough to be hot, and not loose enough to be cool. IT’s HIM! But I am too far to catch up to him and its too lame to run or yell after him! ARG!

BUT he is going outside, and there is another exit to where I think he should be heading! I RUN in that direction. It is like a chase scene from a really cheesy romance movie. Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts in the late 90s would gladly take my role. Just as I open the doors to the outside there he is! It’s like fate! This is supposed to happen! We exchange small talk. He says he is going to Treasure Island to meet some people and see a show.... The Pirate show. (Dufus! You live here!). And all that comes out of my mouth is “Oh do you want to meet us at Hamburger Mary’s”

Starfucker: “Why is there anything going on?”
Me: “I’m just meeting my friend to eat.... And grab a drink”
Starfucker: “Oh one of my friends is only 17, I don’t think he can get in... We’ll see what we can do”

And ... Nothing... Didn’t ask for his number, didn’t ask him out like I planned on doing, didn’t even flirt cuz I was in a panic and was just trying to form a sentence (and catch my breath and look like I wasn’t running)

After this "chance meeting" I had posted a cheesy comment on his myspace. He is one those people who requires a comment to be read and accepted before it is posted online. Naturally, stalker that I am, I was waiting impatiently for him to "accept" So yesterday I was feeling loserish, cuz he hadn’t “accepted” my comment on his myspace page. And if he hadn't accepted a simple stupid comment that would definitely qualify as outright rejection as opposed to where I am not, which is one step away from rejection... I will take that step thank you. So finally at around midnight Starfucker accepted my lame comment! And that made my day hahahhahahha

Wooohooooo. I can still make another attempt! But now what? The mall run-in was OK this once, but another one would definitely look stalkerish (even though I am stalking him, I cant LOOK like I am). And asking him out over myspace would be lame I think.

So that is my Junior High Non-Romance story up to now. I wish I knew how to quit him... But not until I get an outright rejection.