Nerves

July was the warmup

There has been much preparation and testing for what is to come. EVERYTHING is in motion... well almost.

My body is complety confused at this point. So much is going in, out, prodded, electrified, fried, infused, stimulated, flatulated, exhausted and energized. It no longer has a basis for what is real and normal.

I am happy with my Robot Doc. She has a PA that is human and can communicate with other human beings, so all is well. My Neuro Doc can continue to be the agro Robot Doc that she was manufactured to be, who moves at the speed of light, gets things done, and doesnt stop to relate to humans, as long as she has her human PA is there to smooth her hard robot edges and give her a little oil.

I got started on Imuran and Prednisone... Holy shit. All I can say is sweaty pig - Im hungry 24/7, sweatier than normal, dizzy, and have more acne. Prednisone sucks a pigs ass... hopefully I wont have to be on it forever.

Its like I have been a human experiment... the new drugs alone have taken some time to get used to. My body doesnt know what is happening to it. Not even factoring the drugs, the tests were even wierder and more "human experiment". I lie down, while the technician marks up my arms in various nerve points with a pen. After she is done drawing on my arms she then proceeds to place 3 little electrode stickers to to various points and then connect them with wires to a computer. She then pulls out this tazer looking thing - black remote control looking handle with 2 metal prongs sticking out of one end. She shocks me at the various points she has marked all over my arms

Zap! "ouch!... quit it"

Zap! "ouch!... quit it"

Zap! "ouch!... quit it"

and on for about 10-15 minutes. A few days rest and I can look forward to the same thing on my legs! Oh but wait there was also the electrode thing they put on my head. After the tazer test, they had me sit down and placed a swimmercap looking thing with electrode points scattered all around it. These points were about dime-sized, raised, and with holes in the middle. After they squeeze the contraption on your head the extend a metal prong thing in each hole scratch your scalp with it - which is super annoying - and then squeez some gel stuff in it and then take some "tests"... Im sure there are files of every thought I have up in my noggin that the government now has- because it is really important for them to know what the enemy is thinking. Then enemy threat being a crippled faggot who is obviously set out to destroy the morals of society and attack marriage!

There was also some sonogram type thing where they squeez gel on various spots of your cranium and then pule sound waves trough these points. The bussing is a nice disorienting touch tht adds that little bit more of diiizzyness just in case you didnt feel you had enough

So after all of that. Robot Doc got on it and made the insurance company approve an IVIG flush therapy which is apparently really hard to get, because its a new treatment. A nurse come to your home, hooks up an IV to your arm and knocks you out for a good 4-6 hrs. Next thing you know you dont know where you are, who you are, who is this woman doing stuff to your arm, why is it sore, and why am I even more dizzy. Once they stick Bendryl straight in your veins its done, ... they told me it would make me drowsy but that was jsut insane. It completely wipes you out and I almost didnt make it to my bed. 4 days of magic

but I think my eyelids are more open by a good 1/8 to 1/4 inch! wooohooooo!!!!!!

I really hope I dont need to stay on predinose

OK so that is the medical side of things


I got all of my financial situation finally straightened out. This was a bigger ordeal than I imagined, but its finally done and I am in a good financial place now


I turned 30, got all my school stuff done - immunizations, records, etc. Now I am FINALLY registered for classes to go to film school!!!

July was soooo busy getting all of this taken care of, and now it feels like life is beginning all over again. Everything I've waited/and put off my whole life is now happening. Health, Education, Finances, Work, everything just came together in July afdter alot of work and now August is just an amazing new start. Now I jsut need that one other area to come into play

30, The New 21

This weekend was amazing. I had sooo much fun. But it more than just drunken buffoonery.

There was alot of reflection and looking to the past. This however was not nostalgia. Although there were moments with Alex and Brian where we reminisced about our early 20s being roommates and what not.

This weekend become a mirror into the past not just to remember good times and memories but to reflect upon what has been done and accomplished and what has not. recognizes patterns and establishing new ones

I've been saying that 30 is the new 21, partly as a way to take away the fear of this number sounding old to me. But that phrase is more true than I first imagined. 21 is a pivotal age where things start to really shift and there are new discoveries about yourself and life to be made. You start to come into your own, and creativity can reach new heights.

For me things happened later in life and while that sort of stuff did happen around 21, the real major dynamics and personal growth is happening now. I am reliving 21, but without the unnecessary baggage. While I've ALWAYS been a unique individual that kinda sticks out, following my inner desires and impulses has always been tucked away, made secondary. I guess that is what I imagine or correlate with 21 - not only discovering yourself but starting to really push yourself out into the world

Pump Me Up

I went to see a neurologist yesterday. This is the 1st time I've seen a Neurologist since I had my Thymectomy. I finally got my ass to one and now I dont know how I feel.

On one hand Im happy tht she seems to know about Myasthenia Gravis and has treated other patients with it before, and seems quick to act. On the other hand hs is rather frightening...

1st the experience in the office was already not so great. I was told to come in 30 minutes before my scheduled time of 930 am, in order to fill out paperwork. I arrived at 850they didnt give me the paperwork until 940 and then called me in 2 minutes later. But of course I wasnt done with the paperwork since I just got it. By that time I was the only one left in the waiting room.

Then I am finally called in to the Dr's office, where again, I have to sit and wait for her. She Bursts in with her head in her notes and gruffly barks "I dont have your charts, your history I have nothing, I cant do anything I need your medical history"

At this point Im a little shocked and say .. slightly annoyed...

"Hello ... ? ...?"

and she gave no answer, just sat down with a certain amoutn of force assertation of authority. "I cant do anything without your medical records, Do you have a number so we can contact your previous doctor"

Me: "Um... I gave this to the receptionist... 2 weeks ago when making the apointment" ( I even gave the fax number and specifically asked if they needed my records)

She huffs and storms out... then comes back in "They the dont have it" as if this is my fault, are they just attempting to obtain this info NOW?

So she sets that aside from her mind and moves on. She proceeds to bombard me with the the usual questions and even tells me bluntly that my eyes look bad and then barks out that she thinks my last neurologist was not aggressice enough

She starts barking out 4 different EKGs, EMG, EEG, TCD, brain scan, blood work, steroids, IV flush that she isnt sure if she can get insurance to pay for, that I will be on for 4 days... blurting all this out in rapidfire like a machine gun never once stopping to breathe...

WOW!!! wait... "Hi ... my name is Mike"

No time for that though, lets just pump you full of steriods

And then I ask about eyelid surgery. then she finally pauses, without looking at me. She huffs out... "thats not going to do anything, thats just cosmetic"

Woooooo... Lady, try covering half your eyeball with your eyelids for just ONE FREAKING day and then tell me "its just cosmetic" It covers half my freakin eyeballand distortts my vision, and when I manually lift them the double vision goes away!

You are more than willing to pump me with steriods, hook some IV thingy up to me for days and give me all these immunosuppresants but wont even consider the eyelide surgery... which within less than 1 yr would cost less and have far less side effects than the steriods alone

I'll go through with the 6 or 8 tests that she rushed me into, that seems more than logical. But I will have to talk to her again about the eyelids. It seems logical that she would understand esp especially since she herself seemed to recognize that the disease is mainly concentrated in the eyelid area and not so much in the rest of my body

but lets just pump me up full of drugs...

maybe it will work, Initial 1st impressions and bitching aside. I'll set my mind to this plan and hope it works

"People say..."

So I was browsing the personals and there is somethat that I don't quite get which kind of bugs me. I don't quite understand why a guy or girl would right "people tell me I'm good-looking" or something similar.

This sounds like an attempt to say you are attractive without sounding too full of yourself, because its other people who are supposedly really saying it. But, to me, its just lame. You dont have the balls to say you think you are good looking and even worse, you are trying to hide it, and think you are getting away with it.

But that's not even the part that is so ridiculous and annoying. The real reason is: Why do I care if other people say you are attractive? If I thought your pics were ugly will this statement magically turn my opinion around? - "Ya know, at first I thought I was lookin at a dog's ass but now that you say people think you're attractive, that dog's ass is lookin mighty fine!.... RRRRRUFF" If I already thought you were hot will the thought that other people think you are attractive make you even hotter?

NO... ridiculous. That's like some yawn of a person trying to convince me they are funny when nothing laughable has escaped their mouth intentionally ... "but everyone says I'm funny"

My mom says Im special and she also repeatedly says any girl would be happy to have me... even after I came out

The Eyes have it

I had a bit of a scare this weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday.... actually I started to notice me eyelids getting really tired towards the end of my shifts in the middle of this week. But Saturday and Sunday were a bit more scarry

I haven't been on the computer too much.. And I got a good 7-8 hrs of sleep eventually both nites before. During the day though my eyelids have been really bad. I was barely able to keep them open while getting a haircut and book shopping this weekend... It actually took concerted effort to keep them open and on Sunday I was not tired or sleepy at all... They are falling pretty bad lately


Im just really glad I have my Neurologist appointment coming up... I do wish they could see me earlier though. I hope I can get the eyelid surgery soon... If they dont approve it I'll be pissed, frickin Myasthenia Gravis bitches! - The name alone sounds so bad I should get a free pass on everything... "You kicked my child?!?!? Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS... Im sooo sorry, kick him again" "Come back here with that case of stolen Grey Goose!!! ... Ohhhh Myasthenia GRAVIS take another case why dont you, and do you need someone to drive you too?"

That would be amazing :P


Currently listening:
Achtung Baby
By U2

Distortions n Distractions

I just finished reading "Media Control: The Spectacular Achievements of Propaganda" by Noam Chomsky. I don't know how I feel about this since it greatly conflicts with my overzealous "claim to lame" and illiteracy.

Aside from that, it was a great little read (really less than 90 pages.. more of a pamphlet). It took the small of amount of ideas/thoughts I already have on the state of our media, politics and perception and expanded greatly upon them. He delivers this with bite and wit so its a pretty entertaining read. The topics and themes discussed are perfectly related to my script which I have been slackin on till recently. "The Fog Of War" and this book have a given me huge inspiration.

In the book he consistantly refers to "the bewildered herd", and how it is the job of the ruling elite to keep the "the bewildered herd" (or the general masses) distracted from what is of actual importance, or from being real participants in democracy. Give them something else to occupy their thoughts and concern, like the Superbowl

Ironically while I am reading... I have music on in the background and, on mute, The NBA Finals are on. I had to put the book down half way through because, well it was a great game and it went into overtime with The Heat coming from behind to win by 1 point, and now lead the series 3-2. This after the Maverics looked like they were dominating the Heat, and the Championship was all but sealed with a 2-0 lead.

What was I talking about? I got caught up in the action... :P

So yeah.. I might be reading more but my lameness still prevails. I'll still flaunt my illiteracy like a 40yr old first-time newlywed 15 yrs in-the-waiting flashes her engagement ring.

A great resurgence for me though. I will have to read more of his, um stuff. But 1st "Imperial Hubris" and "A History of God: The 4000 year quest of Judaism, Christiantity, and Islam" is next. - I can't believe I have actual books sitting next to me that are waiting to be read (not just a list that I will never get to!)... What's next a boyfriend? Insanity

Currently listening to:
Biograph
By Bob Dylan

I NEED that!

When you can't seem to sleep, turning on the TV can be dangerous. Its during those weak hrs that they come out of nowhere for you, and get you...

Dual head drill action? Home pilates gym? 4 in one grill plate? Magic Ladder? Increase my reading rate by more than 200%? Magic Hooks? ... I'll take it!

Damn you Elle McPhereson, Patrick Duffy, Hulk Hogan, misc sports and soap stars! Why are you so convincing at 5am

Timing?

Sometimes you slam into a wall. Shock anger and frustrtion takes hold and you do everything mindless in the moment to take that sucker down. Usually more than a little pain a humilation and stupidity present themselves, before more concentrated focused efforts present start to take shape. Battle plans are drawn up. But all still fails. That fricken still stands!!! Damn the chinese are good (or whomever errected this monster). Eventually after several failed attempts - the last few seeming like sure winners - you start to make yourself comfortable to mastermind a new plan. Eventually comfort sorta takes hold and you enjoy yourself a little.

Then somehow a reminder hits you on the head. While climbing a tree and to pick fuit or some shit, you fall and find yourself in someplace new. "What the hell am I doing here again?" And you remember the dreaded wall... and start to have the dread and anger return when suddenly you realise.."Shit Im on the other side" Then you get angry cause all your goods are still back in the other side... there's always something to be upset about.

taking a look around it is a desolate wasteland with no signs of life anywhere, except for a few tiny seedling you see starting to sprout up. All blank and ready life to begin...

Good thing I wasnt here earlier... thank God the chinese built that stupid wall

Currently listening to:
War
By U2

Papers

In this life everything seems sliightly more complicated than it needs to be.

In order to go to school I have to see an advisor and register for classes... In order to register for classes I have to show proof that my immunizations are all up to date. My parents lost my records. So I had a Doctors apt today - I told the nurse over the phone when making hte apt that one of the reasons I was there was to get my MMR and dt immunizations. I also told the receptionsist this. Then the doctor came in to see me did his usual stuff. And since I am HMO I really am there just to get a referral so that I can see a Neurologist, who will really be taking care of my case, but I cant just go straight to him unless I wanted to pay more monthly. So the Doc leaves and tells me to wait. Then the nurse comes in and takes me to another place which looks like where you set up the next apt and so forth. I havent had my shots yet but I am starting to think "Oh maybe I get those when I get my lab work done" But as the prcoss starts to go along I start to realize, that probably isnt the case. So I tell the lady I was here to get my MMR and Dt. And she brings the nurse back, who was nice, but also told me I need to tell them this at the beginning.... I did, on the phone an when I first arrived! WOW!

so I got my referral to the Neurologist and call to make an apt. BUT I cant yet until they get the referral is faxed to them, and that hasnt been done yet so I have to wait until tomorrow

Wouldnt it be great if you could just walk in to a clinic, ask for a Neurologist and one pops up and could see you... That would be amazing

OH MY GAWD! ... shhhh did you hear that too?!?

I was just listening to The Dears, who I had completely forgotten about until I just happened upon their name on someone's profile.

So I was sitting pleasantly writing, with TV in background, my mind a bit scattered but content.

THEN IT HAPPENED! - Out of nowhere That scarry beast resurrected itself! It's shreakish call made every hair stand on end and rattled my aching bones. It peireced the air like LIGHTNING! and shattered all thought and calm that remained within me...

WTF! .... OH MY GAWD NO! ... Is that an 80s SAXOPHONE BREAK!

... GOD where are you! - not anywhere in this damn song.

now wtf was I writing.. what? where AM I? What just happened?... Its all blown away

...somebody hold me

Currently listening:
No Cities Left
By The Dears

Something in the air

Nothing was as it usually is. Its musical chairs behind me at work - everyone who sits there ends up leaving soon after. Its just become vacant again, I know how to reel em in and keep em. When things like that happen I feel the heightened sense that I must do something to break shake things up. Its that feeling that everyone is moving but I'm static. But I know must stay.

I havent done much writing, listening to music or even blogging as of late. But suddenly Im flooded with activity

Its wierd when the world around you seems to somehow reflect your feelings and where you are at. Walking into work the air was light and it felt cool, in vegas. The sky was insane tonight. Lighting stretched across itthe blackness seeming to leave permanent scratches in the sky. The thunder was in surround sound. Walking outside felt as if I was in another time and space. In Vegas where everything is fake fascades neon, plastic, and concrete, its rare that nature is palpable aside from the sun...

But something is in the air

Dumb Emails!

OH WOW! I just realised that I sent out a bunch of drunken emails this morning!

I'm not even gonna check how many I sent...


What is it about me a drunkeness, where emailing random retardation seems so natural and logical when it is happening? I love my lameness


WINNA! that was her name. That was buggin me all day. It was going to fester into a giant tumor if I didnt remember the name of my sister's freind who always made fun of my amazing face-touching pic!

Currently listening:
In Case We Die
By Architecture in Helsinki

FACE-TOUCHER!

I was about to exit Myspace when some random profile popped up on "Cool New People". It was a face-toucher pic!

My immediate reaction is amusement cuz it looks so gay. And I realized... damn it Im a face-toucher. But I never touch my face in pictures unless I am faking shock and/or doing my japanese girl giggling impression. Guys who touch their face in pics either give me immediate gay or cheesy vibes. Maybe this is due to my childhood mall pics. Doesn't everyone have one of these sets - Where your parents dress you up and take you to the mall or the cheesy Dept. store to have your pictures taken. There is always one where you are standing with one leg resting on an elevated platform and maybe you have a jacket slung over your shoulder... and then there is always to face-toucher pic - Usually in some type of lying stomach down position, and with both hands clasped in an upside down V under your chin.

My sister's friend... wow damn, i forgot her name, it will come back... but I remember she would do that pose every time she saw me because both poses were hanging over the fireplace. I should blow them up to gargantuan size and post them as my main pic on my profile and also hang them in my room

Currently listening:
Ghosts of the Great Highway
By Sun Kil Moon

GO TEAM!

My mom is cute when she is screaming at the TV rooting for her basketball team. It's usually the Lakers but since they are out, its whomever my Dad seems to be rooting for. I dont think she cares at all... But she gets so excited and into it. It kinda charming. More charming than when they are routing for the Lakers, cuz then its SERIOUS! and of course "means something"

when it isn't the Lakers, a day later she will forget who she was rooting for... I love it

Currently listening:
The Winter Is Coming
By Elf Power

That's smarts! ... Inconceivable!

Sometimes when I hear others speak, or read their profiles I have an immediate gut reaction of wanting to yak all over them. This usually stems from reading or hearing something that sounds overbloated and full of pseudo-intellectualism.

I think what is really happening is that I think I am smarter than other people. Then I stumble across someone that seems intelligent, and with the capacity to communicate their thoughts with ease. This of course will not stand as I am the smarter cookie, so I pass it off as someone who is full of themselves, self important, far too stuck in their own delirium or loving to hear the sound of their own bloated voices. While this actually might be true sometimes, it is really a defense mechanism on my part.

Or maybe I just like my "intelligence" splattered in with humor, silliness, and ridiculousness, and/or self-effacement. I should just stop being so damn judgemental

Currently listening:
OK Computer
By Radiohead

Why question?

Sometimes you’re sooooo happy, n for no fuckin reason at all. And you stop and think for just a second “Why the hell am I so ridiculously giddy?” Then you stop and realize...

why do I have to question just enjoy it lamo

Listening to:
Rebellion (Lies) - The Arcade Fire
WhIte Russian Galaxy - The Crimea
Summer Girl - Beck
The Skin Of My Yellow Country Teeth - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Float On - Modest Mouse
Ladyflash - The Go! Team
Marvo Ging - The Chemical Brothers
Numb - U2

-all on repeat over and over and over wooooooooo!

Little, yellow, different

Alot is still so new to me in homoland. Still alot to figure out and experience. Im such a virgin to the strange new world of fagdom

Some of the events of Saturday, and the recalling of past memories is starting to bring things into focus I think. Seemed like I was getting grabbed quit a bit on Saturday. And now I'm starting to think that I may be expected to be a bottomboy!

I'm relatively shorter, smaller, and asian.... I'm fuckin Nuprin: Little, yellow, ... different

Saturday I got grabbed, pulled to the dancefloor, and turned around by different guys. Now this happens often to guys in gay clubs, and it has happened to me before. I think this time, it was just all at once, and a little more obvious - Other times it didn't seem as if guys were more the aggressor, or overly so, unless they were just insanely Alien gross that you just blocked it out. This time it was just that all of them were trying to act dominant I think.

Like the one that I wanted, he kept turning me around so he could get behind me, and we kept switching to try to get behind each other like a dog trying to catch his tail.

I wonder if there is an assumption for me to be a good little asian bottom bitch?

~ Giggles to self, covering his mouth, body shyly curled into a ball while laughing

Rights vs Values

I was having a discussion over on Ryan’s blog about One’s own personal choices in terms of values, lifestyle, etc. and where that fits into a Democratic society. This of course quickly turned into a discussion of Freedom Tolerance and Personal Responsibility and how these all tie together. It brought up many issues of where America is and what is wrong not just with our government but our culture

This all started as a result of Ryan witnessing a Lady complain to Baskin Robins for selling her child a caffeinated dessert… A Cappuccino Blast

The biggest question that seemed to come out of the discussion is “Where is the line between Personal Moral/Value Choices, Government Control (in the form of laws, censorship, regulation), and Tolerance. How can people of varying cultures, beliefs, backgrounds, values etc live together under one common rule, and where do we as individuals draw in the in terms of placing our own value system within the wider scope of the nation, - which includes not only federal government, but local governments, businesses, schools, neighbors churches entertainment etc.

For me the answer has always been fairly simple. We just like to overcomplicate things. . In my mind at least, it is simple and clear:

All we need is the basic bill of rights. Start from there, everything else revolves around that. It should be the center and focus. For the whole purpose of government is to serve the people and provide services that a collective is far more capable of achieving. And every law must be written from the point to which none of these human rights are violated. No law should be written that does not take these rights into account or that violates any one of them.

Your basic rights in simple non-legal terms:
1. Right to life
2. Right to vote
3. Right to fair trial by jury
4. Right to bear arms
5. Right to practice or not practice own religion/beliefs etc
6. Right to freedom of speech
7. Freedom/ownership of one’s own being/body
8. Right to death
9. Freedom of thought
10. Freedom of assembly
11. Right to a decent education
12. Right to healthcare
13. Right to ownership of property (land, goods, copyrights, etc)
14. Right to basic protection or person and properties (police, firemen etc)

So I added/changed some and missed some probably - it was slapped together quickly, just to get the idea across. But basically every law should revolve around individual basic rights – NOT values, NOT morals, NOT religious beliefs.

If the goal of Democracy truly is about creating a society where individual freedoms are promoted and perpetuated, than individual beliefs, values, and morals cannot interfere as they unnecessarily complicate, leave out, or oppose other belief systems.

The cardinal rule is: No law can violate any of these basic human rights. If basic human rights and individual beliefs and value systems are to be upheld, laws then should only be centered around these rights and in support and protection of them

So some might ask “How can we live without instilling a sense of values or moral judgment into the law?” Simple, basic human rights already cover this. The law protects against harm to person or property. If rights are violated, the action is illegal. It protects against harm, while providing the judgment free space for one to practice their individual beliefs.

I do not understand why it is so difficult for people to allow others live their lives the way they want to. If it doesn’t affect you it is not your business. As long as no one’s rights are violated there should be no problem. The only problem is that people want to force their views, values, or lifestyle upon others. Why is there problem with suicide? If someone wants to end their life, this is their choice (as long as they are of sound mind). That should be their right to decide. Euthanasia should not be a problem.

Even drugs. If someone wants to take them, let them. Just control certain aspects that could interfere/violate with the rights of others like driving under the influence. More accidents are caused by Cell phone use than drug use. Cigarettes are far more harmful than Marijuana, yet one is legal and the other is not. The thing itself should not be illegal. The real problem here is the “moral” issue surrounding drugs. If it were truly about the real practical danger to society, and that is the number one factor, far more things would be outlawed before drugs. Even experimental drugs should be allowed – If patients are given full disclosure about what is and isn’t known about experimental drugs or treatments, and if it has passed FDA inspections/guidelines etc, they should be given the choice to take them.

If it doesn’t affect your own rights, what is the problem? Isn’t that what we should be asking ourselves? Why is this country so obsessed with pushing our own beliefs on others, while at the same time claiming to promote Freedom and Democracy? Do we really value freedom then? Do we even know what freedom is when we still refuse to let others live their own lives, under their system of beliefs? Do Americans understand that their own beliefs and choices are their own responsibility? We seem to want the government to adopt our own system of values, enforce them upon others, and do the work for us. This seems to be in large part due to laziness, lack of ownership for our own choices, and unwanting to put in the work and effort it takes to uphold our own value system

Responsibility for ones own value system is a whole other issue that would take another blog topic.

Manly Boys Play with Adult Toys

Stand me up next to your average flaming queer stereotype, and yes I will appear straight. But line me with up with some straightboys, and a game of find the faggot will end fast

I am discovering, and really enjoying now, the times when Its really damn obvious I am gay. It's usually little odd pleasures. Probably the most obvious thing is my new fondness for titties that was not present before I accepted my gayness. Before they were foreign objects that I was supposed to like and be aroused from, but I just didn't understand at all. And now they are naughty toys that I can play with occasionally and other boys can't, but I still get no arousal from. It really does feel like I am a kid who has just discovered, and been given a huge chest of toys that very few kids are allowed to play with.

When I come across things now that other boys/men seem so capable of, and are SUPPOSED to be able to do, I have a good time with it. These used to be painful angst filled shortcomings, which are now giddy times that seem like I am playing.

Something as simple as going to Home Depot, picking up a hanger-rod, and sawing off the amount of ft that I need myself, is now fun and I get a childlike kick out of it, while when I was closeted it was something to worry about - Because, you know, sawing a single piece of wood is a huge accomplishment for a faggot haha. There used to be an overwhelming thought of: "Shit! If I can't do this simple thing too, than thats more proof your Nancy ass is gay, and wants a ride". No matter how small or simple the task was, inadequacy and proof of manhood/straightness always clouded everything and really got in the way. This even carried over past coming out, and there might be small traces of it left.

What is ironic is that further embrace and acceptance of my gayness has made me more of a man. This is not just in terms of general comfort/confidence in one's self, but how that truly affects things that should have always been simple. The freedom allows me not to worry about these stupid things. Without that worry and fear I am far more capable and a shitload more fun. Little things missed/avoided and not learned as a boy growing up are now fun and make me feel like a little boy and a man at once. If ever that thought/fear of what it would mean If I'm not good at something that real straight men should be capable of, I quickly realize "Shit sucka your Nancy ass IS gay and does wants a ride (but also want to drive as well)"
It also opens up alot of things, like say if I every wanted to be a hair stylist or designer...

Well shit I'm gay now, I can do that. Also another realization that comes to mind occasionally is "Hey wait Im gay now, I'm supposed to suck at this shit, that's one stereotype that I will admit to fully" hahaha. Another frequent disclaimer I find myself saying alot lately is "When I was straight..." I LOVE that line, cuz well.. I never was straight, but there were times I fully believed it to be possible, and there was the mentality to live my life as a straight boy - who happens to be in touch with his feminine side, watches decorating shows on HGTV, watches the Golden Girls, sucks at sports, and knows nothing about sports except which athletes are hot. Who is my favorite football team? Patriots. Why? Cuz Tom Brady is hot

Listening to:
Deeper Shade of Soul by Urban Dance Squad

Grab it!

So I'm not quite at the point of "you'll do"...

Tonight was fun and overanalyzation free. It started out at PT's for Abby's bday gathering. She had quite a crowd going there, and rightfully so since she is such a sweetheart to everyone. I got pretty loaded fairly fast - I love being a light-weight. I had a great time, and got to grab some titties, which I absolutely LOVE doing when drunk. I love how wrong it is. Yet I can get away with it, and straight guys have this look of absolute jealousy, and for a small tiny moment wish they were gay too.

I REALLY wanted to go to Beauty Bar afterwards cuz I was really itchin to get my groove on to some great indierock n 80s. But Im glad we didnt. The Fruit Loop was closer (this is the small circle of gay clubs, appropriately named). This was the safer choice since we were still pretty damn inebriated driving over there. I am glad I went to a gay club instead of Beauty Bar, havent been to either in quite some time. The music was slightly better than the usual gay ass generic houseshit they usually play.

This time I was not hiding behind a hoodie at all. I was in full dancepimp mode and got to get slightly raunchy with a cute boy. and some OK ones as well. "You'll Do" never quite got off the ground, as a few OK guys grabbed me to dance and I really didn't respond to them at all, and left the floor - I need to learn to be nicer about these things Im bad about the awkwardness of no chemistry - I feel so uncomfortable that I awkwardly just leave. And "You'll Do" certainly didn't come to mind when an OLD man grabbed my frightened crotch immediately upon introduction... GROSS! YOU WILL NOT DO.

Unfornately,I was able to reel them in tonight, but not keep them. Well only one of them was a disappointment that it didnt get any further, I wanted that cute one!

And at the end of the night, I still could only think about Koob... I'm so lame! I need a BF!

You'll Do

Quick entry - My obsessions with 3 guys need to end: Only one is gay and he already gave me a nice let down. The love of my life (until I get a real one) is straight and one of my best friends ever - why the hell does he put up with me? maybe he doesnt understand the full extent of the love, maybe I shouldnt be writing this? ah he knows. And the last one is straight as well

Maybe its time to stop being picky and grab the first remotely interesting gay guy, whisper what everybody would love to hear in his ear: "You'll do" and suck face

What the Huevos?

I went down to LA for the first time in a LONG time. I was really nice to be back home.

It was my niece's 1st Bday, and I saw my sister's new house in Redondo for the first time. Of the family, I a the most disconnected. So it was nice to be with the whole family and it was a really nice day. All 3 nieces had a great day with their easter egg hunt. In typical asian fashion we ended up taking more than 400 pictures within a 4 hr. period (none of them coming anywhere near how good Cory's are)

Thankfully we only did an easter egg hunt and no painting eggs. I never quite understood the idea of painting easter eggs. Even as a 5 yr. old brat I thought to myself "And why I am doing this? What the hell am I gonna do with a painted egg... Don't give me no Jesus crap cuz he ain't got nothing to do with this shit" -I said it just like that too.

Seriously though. Painting easter Eggs? who came up with that and why? While easter egg hunts have nothing to do with Jesus and the resurrection at least I can see the fun in them:

"Well shit son, Not only did I find this colorful egg hidden in the bush, but damn, Is that chocolate? Who knew bunnies could spawn chocolate?"

Who can deny the fun adventure and tastiness of chocolate surprises? But painting eggs - its got nothing. As a 5 yr. old I'd rather paint on paper, color in my book, or hell anything else. Throw me some marbles and I'll be good for hrs. I'm sure Jesus ain't havin the painted egg thing either. In fact I think Jesus was talking to me when I thought to my 5 yr. old self "What the hell is going on here... painting eggs is the work of the devil, hand me more chocolate eggs. Damn it, why do I have to suffer through hunting them down... this suffering is unbearable, this must of been how bad it was for Jesus" - Yaaaaa thats it,

But family time was fun. The nieces love Uncle Michael. I enjoy being an uncle, because it comes with none of my own responsibility. It's a far better deal than actually having my own. I can just pop in, play a little, give some gifts here and there and instant love, then run

Being back home is soooo great. I still call LA home. most of my best friends are there. I was feeling isolationist before going down and was not sure if I wanted to see everyone, but I did, and it was really great. I need to remind myself to keep pushing forward so I can move back to LA and be with them. I belong there. The drive back here from LA seems to get longer each time. I also had a decent conversation with Kid on the way down, the lack of contact was exactly what I thought, but I didn't even have to pry for info, he just offered it up.

I need to remind myself to think about the future, mine is there with them. Everything should be about coming back home. My friends and career will be there. I need to start saving to go back as well

Fight and/or Flight

Most days I remember the worst, lamest, rudest, angriest, stupidest, most annoying customers. The sad fact is, this is because there is far more of this variety. Some days go on and you feel worse about humanity or maybe just Americans as a whole.

Now granted some cases the anger is warranted, but it is astonishing that the majority of the times that I am speaking of, the reaction is far from warranted, excusable or decent. People will yell and complain at you for as long as they have the breath to and they are more than willing to repeat themselves more than 5 times.

A. you get complaints about not receivng a package within 2 business days, and...
1. The standard policy clearly states "Free shipping for 6 business days"
2. They were told they were gonna get a free shipping upgrade to 2 business days for FREE (which normally costs $17)
3. They call at 12pm their time on the 2nd business day already mad and angry that they have not received what they didnt pay for and got for free.
4. You follow up later and it is in fact delivered as told, in 2 business days, just 2 hrs after they called. A service they never paid for
5. There was no specific event for which they were needing it.

B. You walk a customer (clearly in the same genreal age group as me, fully capable, articulate enough, and knows English well) through printing out a label and they sigh and complain about how hard it is and how long it takes. Yet you have walked MANY grandmas through the simple process, that have never shopped online and barely know how to use the internet, as well as several customers who can barely speak english, and all of these people exclaim how easy it is

There are sooooo many classic scenarios of angry customers whom really have no basis. I could keep writing for days. And most of the day coworkers will share shaked head and looks at each other. You constantly think to yourself "Wow! all that anger...Its just clothes" And quite honestly most complaints we are able to quickly fix, compensate, oversome etc, but these people that I am talking about will still keep complaining.

Well I wont go on with more details because that isnt even the point I will eventualy get to...

Most days the negatives jump out at you cuz there is so much to pick from and they are super ridiclous, but every now and then you get people that truly are good people. They have legitimate reason to be upset, but they are understanding and good natured... and you know what these people get far and away the greatest service as a result. I, and almost everyone else, will throw every compensation effort I am allowed to, at the person who has a legitmate complaint but acts with understanding and kindness. Those people get stuff done faster (in large part cuz they arent wasting our time complaining and yelling), and get more stuff done for them.

Good natured people usually stay that way and complainers usually just complain about everything. People seem ot stay consistant

So today I was glad to get several of the good people and towards the end of the day I had a very inspiring customer. Good natured all the way through, used my name and everything (I am slowly being better at this) He was buying some hiking boots and ended up telling me that he has had a long career documenting birds. He has done it for quite some time now, and is finally gettting recognition, and real support and money. We ended up having a nice little chat and I was super thankful to have the luck to get him. There was such dedication and joy in his work and his speaking of it, without a hint of pretense, preachiness or arrogance. Congrats to L

It was one of those small moments in life that you know are big for you, and eveything about it was just perfect.

I had just finished writing about taking time to myself at the beginning of the day, to plan and create the day in my head, and the topic of how ideas and thoughts when focused upon can turn to reality...

Self-filling prophecy - the phrase seems to be used as a negative most times, I dont see it that way at all.

The postive energy I focused upon came right back. Things are steadily taking off

Obsession ... for men

I may need to either lower my standards, expand my tastes, move more quickly, or stop obsessing. I probably need to do all of that.

I find it is rare for me to get really interested in something... Not alot catches my attention at first, Not big on hobbies (sometimes I feel like I need some). But when I do get really interested I can obsess about it and bury my head into it. This is true with hobbies, music, people ... boys

It's either love on 1st contact or a long drawn out realization. Where is my middle?

I've been listening to a few songs nonstop lately: Rebellion(Lies) by Arcade Fire - this obsession is gonna go on 2 yrs since it came out in 2003, White Russian Galaxy by The Crimea, The Promise by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and a few others

The one that has really caught my fancy is White Russian Galaxy by The Crimea. I don't know whether its my mood that sets me in a place to really take to a song or the song that changes my mood? Which comes first, not sure. It may be the mood first, but the song eventually does alter my world.

For some reason, as if reality must shift to match the soundtrack that I am setting, life will alter according to my listening. Once one obsession begins in one area, another will have to resurface or open up in another area. And so of course, the doorway to my boycrazyness has suddenly reopened!

LET THE STALKING CONTINUE

A few key words on a public profile is sometimes all that it will take. Now a part of me is thinking "What if starfucker sees what I am writing here"
1. I don't advertise this blog.
2. He doesn't seem like a blogger.
3. If he has gone this far there must be some minor curiosity or he just may be having a good time laughing at me, much like I do with female friends at work when we make fun of their stalkers (who are actually real ones)
4. Who cares?
5. Who Knows?
6. If he has gone through the trouble of reading my blogs he would realize that my blogs rock! and if he doesn't he is not worthy of the greatness (and the tactless similes) hahaha

I really do need a hobby probably. Why cant I redirect this energy on other guys? Im just not interested, sometimes I wish I could lower my standards or change my tastes... but ya cant force attraction can you? I am obsessed with at least 1 straight boy, that if he were gay I'd be all over. But I cant direct my energy there cuz its a dead end... well Starfucker was a dead end a long time ago, but I seem to be trying to force that open, but at least he's gay.

Maybe I need to change the song on my playlist... but its soooooo good

Obsession ... its intoxicating

Currently listening to:
White Russian Galaxy by The Crimea over and over and over again

Who knows what goes on in that pretty little head?

Who knows what goes on in that pretty little head?

Thoughts turn to reality, and that really makes ya think don't it? Moods can shift with mere words. The days and nights are created or broken upon them. Thoughts and ideas can change the fabric of reality or that which we see as reality.

Some days I don't know what is real, or maybe its just that reality was forgotten and replaced with rote memory of what I have been doing... because... ?

Who knows?

A simple interpretation of a smile, comment, gesture, or lack of, will alter your day and even view or value. Perception. And if perception is not usually reality then how much of this is in our control? How much control do we have of our destiny, days and dreams

When days float by aimlessly they can plummet into a blackhole of nothingness. When I take it upon myself to take time to think about the day and how I will feel, what can happen, what is possible... this is when ideas and thoughts turn into particles and molecules that collide, connect, combust, and coalesce into something tangible and real... And then what can happen?

Who knows?

There have been many times where I felt, told myself, or voices told me something would happen and then it came into being. Does the feeling come from someplace real? Or is it self fulfilling prophecy, and I made it real?

But this makes me wonder, why then do I not spend just a little more time at the beginning of they day to think about how I will build and create that day for myself.

Lately little things I've been thinking have formulated and my mood and outlook have changed as a result...

Who knows what goes on in that pretty little head?

Listening to:
Zooropa by U2
Where The Streets Have No Name by U2
There Goes The Fear -The Doves
I Shall Be Released - Bob Dylan
White Russian Galaxy -The Crimea

Lost in Space and lame analogies

I just wrote a blog about taking time and effort to find connections when it seems like they could be there, or at least I think that is what its about. But actually it might have been more about seeing myself as separate, different, alien.

I just wrote about that as well somewhat, but I guess its absorbing my thoughts as of late. In some moments I flourish in my differences and truly shine and bring people into my world. It's like gravity, where others get caught up in my sphere and are pulled in and then revolve around me like moons and satellites.

Those times seem more rare now. I love that cockiness and arrogance as well, even in the writing of it, everything is about me, what a beautiful ass I can be

But there is the other side of this where at times I feel like I am drifting aimlessly in space, Alone is some distant nebula desperately trying to find other life-forms even slightly similar to mine, or maybe just someplace to land

Is this common? To go through life where connections are rare? To find ones that last? Do most people feel a disconnect from coworkers, society, even family at times? Are we all just looking for that ONE person to gravitate to or that gravitates toward us? Lately I think I find a natural pull toward someone, only to just be repelled,or skittered off, or some people are pulling toward me, but my atmosphere rejects them. Does it get harder and harder to find that natural harmony between different spheres that revolve and dance around each other, or is it that I am now just so stuck in a certain pattern that it makes it harder for others to even float nearby?

Right now I guess Im not only looking for that one guy to be my sun or moon, or vice versa, (probably a combo) I guess Im also looking for a whole solar system.

I do feel Lost in Space at the moment, and kinda spacey

Land Your Spaceship

Sometimes you dream of things in your head and they play out so beautifully. You see connections and parallels or similarities, shared viewpoints, sense of humor, sensibility and senselessness that breathe life and hope that there may be others that can live on your planet

You do find these things to be true. You have found other aliens who are searching for the same life fuel that feeds them They may slow down slightly, then keep flying through space, looking for the same shit that they just past, and then complain they cant find it

Land your spaceship!

Ringy Dingy

Cant keep my head in one place. Concentration is a foreign word suddenly. Random bubbles of thought and ideas are floating all around, they have no weight. Life is lie and fluffy at the moment.

Time is lost in nothingness and random acts. I was supposed to get some writing done this weekend. I did get some minor things done.. the miscellaneous errands. But the real vacuum was a new gadget. I found myself sucked up into my cell phone and lost in it the whole day... And I didn't even make any call! I had planned on it, but when I pulled myself out it was 11 40 something or other. Hours went into figuring out if it was possible, yet, to create true music ring tones on my new Motorola SLVR L7 - its far more gadgety-geek to through in the full name and add at least one key feature "with iTunes".

As a sidenote buying ringtones is insane! its costs 2-5 $ for 20-30 a sec snippet of a lesser quality song, with you can either download the whole song for free or buy it for a buck!

So finally, after sifting through endless online forums, guides, reviews, blogs, testing some software, and going back to the useless manual that might as well have been a coloring book, I pulled my head out of the rubbage and found the solution. It turned out to be somewhat of an easy fix but hard to find.

So after learning it is possible to create your own music ringtones for my "Motorola SLVR L7 with iTunes, net access and bluetooth (which I don't know how to use... yet). I naturally buried my head deep into my iTunes library and got busy quickly cutting and pasting snippets that would sound great, and that I would naturally want to imediately answer to when they ring for my attention. Of course the "Hello Hello" chorus of U2's Vertigo was my natural obvious first choice being the huge U2 fangeek that I am, and well its just obviously without being one. Prince Madonna and Guns N Roses were big winners.

After getting all excited to play with my toy and using sound editing software (however limited) I had to test it out. The opening notes of Paradise City will just scream for me to come running to answer the phone. It played on the phone and sounded great, but I had to hear/and see what it would sound like when someone actually calls. So I called myself Apparently I am not receiving phone calls.

I knew something was weird all week! It said "Cingular" on the display and the signal display went up when I popped in the SIM card. At some points during the week I wondered "Is no one really calling me?"

I know I placed myself into my own cocoon, so it didn't seem that odd. After a few phone calls I was able to get things straightened out and up n connected.

All was good in the world when I finally was able to call myself and hear "Hello Hello...Hola!" coming from the speakers of my wonderful tiny 4.47" x 1.93" x 0.45" "Motorola SLVR L7 with iTunes, net access, bluetooth and Up to 512 MB or removable TransFlash memory" Absolute heaven

Now if only someone would call so I can hear Madge or Prince in wonderful music ringtones calling me to answer... but will I pick up? Cuz then the song will be over

I'm hung up... I don't know what to do.

I bought a new phone and 1 of the last things I thought of to do with it, is make a call. My inner gaygeek really came out due to this.

Little things done, but not much of anything accomplished... fluff

My People?

I don't know what is wrong with my people.

Maybe its self-fulfilling prophecy. I have always felt estranged from an particular group, scene, clique or whatever. I've always felt like an outsider, and in some cases have a certain pride and arrogance about that. I kinda thought, after accepting my gayness, that this might end or I might find my people or something.

This is not the case at all. In fact, currently I feel even more out of place. So you would think that lack of sex and any real relationship would just drive me into a wild frenzy of sex and debauchery and I would just slut it up and go dickwild, since I came out so late.

Lately I'm barely even horny (of course I'm horny in general, but not much). IM a total gaysnob - I've been to the clubs and bars, but find the scene empty, kinda boring, superficial, and with really bad taste in music. I started to get my feet wet on the internet and go to places like myspace, manhunt, and gay.com but the latter 2 is all about sex, and for some reason I just am not interested at all.

I tried out craigslist, and even under the platonic section alot of that crap is just about hooking up. On myspace there are always advertisements for "outpersonals" So I decided to look them up. It sounded much tamer than manhunt or gay.com. The very first page of profiles was full of the main pic of guy's profiles, which were all close-up of DICKS. DICKS everywhere! You didn't even need to sign in or anything. BAM Penis in your face!

At the same time I emailed a few seemingly "normal" gay guys on myspace not even out of attraction but just because they appeared to be normal. Turn out at least one super paranoid asking me several times "how did you find me?" - Dude! Its a fricken public forum

In a day or 2, maybe 3, I will have less of a bitter taste in my mouth for gays, but for now... Fags suck ass! hahaha

Place My Order For Disorder

ts calm and quiet, the house is looking good. No more kids running scurrying about. No chaos mess and paint. It's clean. Everything is in order and coming together.

Things are fine at work, it's going well.

I want to fuck it all up. I have the urge to create a huge mess. I am already missing my sister Marianne and my nieces. She's an ocean of energy that you can be swallowed up and drown in, but if you ride her current right, its amazing.

Certain people bring out the best in you. Marianne has always been that. She pushes me out of my shell and is always ready to encourage me. While she tends to overanalyze like it do, she also just throws herself out there as well.

Princess

My nieces have been all over me for almost 2 weeks now. They love me, and they are the only kids I love or even like (and my other sister's girl too) I wish I could have gone with them to Cirucs Circus but they went while I was at work. Next time they come I will have to request at least 1 weekday off.

Brooke n Autumn ar super goofy and smart too. Adults try to talk around kids and speak in code, but both of them will chime into the conversation just when you thought you had successfully talked around them.

1 afternoon Uncle Michael woke up and was on his way to shower. Both little girls came screaming and running to play with me. "Uncle Michael, Uncle Michael... are you going to play Princess with us. Princess Pricess"

my reply: "Is that what you think of Uncle Michael?"

They seemed to stop and ponder this for a moment. They may have actually got it ;D

I'll actually miss the little ones when they leave

Marbles

That is super lame... I just made a gayass butterfly reference to myself. That last blog deserves a unicorn rainbow sticker attached to it - the type your 3rd grade teacher, whose bright colorful socks matches her huge earrings, would give you as a reward for an A+ paper on what you did over summer.

I almost wanted to erase that shit, but I have a no deleting rule on my blogs. What's the point of making them public in the first place if I'm afraid to make mistakes and have them be seen. Plus this whole blog is about lameness, even tough that one was very unintentional he he

My marbles are clanking all around in my head, making a huge clanging messy noise. They are mostly the generic clear ones with the blue n green swirl. But I know there are some really radical white cat's eyes, big bomber ones - that could totally win me more from the rest of the kids, cuz this limp wrist can really swing n jerk n flick a good one, and some gnarly red ones too.

Its a mess: I haven't touched my script in a little while. My cousin visited with her new daughter. The Weekend after, my oldest sister visited with her one yr old daughter. Now My other sister is here with her 2 daughters. Kids are everywhere. My Scheduled recently changed, I've started going to the gym for the first time in a long while. We are rearranging reorganizing and moving around a lot of stuff due to the remodeling of the loft and painting. Its kinda messy and so is my head.

Part of me is moving fully forward with my job, health (finding a new doctor and dentist, and going to the gym and changing eating habits), getting finances straightened out, and trying to organize my life around what matters. The other half of me is sort of regressing. Having to sort through paperwork and files is bringing back memories of a life I forgot. There is also a shyness in me at work that I have not experienced in years

Its chaotic, familiar, strange, and everything is rolling around in my noggin, and its good. I'm kinda losin hold of my marbles but its fun playing with them...

as a side note: I was giving myself every excuse not to go to the gym tonight after work. Most were legitimate, esp since I was having stomach problems all day... But I got my fat volatile ass there without losing any... Um marbles

Cocoon

I have a habit of waiting until things are perfect. The problem is they never will be Its fine to strive towards perfection, but not at the cost of waiting or holding myself back.

Lately I've noticed I have been pulling back into myself . There is less of a desire to go clubbing or to bars. At first I thought it might be just be a temporary shift or change in attitude and mood. Maybe it was being tired or lazy. I would purposefully back away and stay at home or avoid nitelife slowly burying myself into a cocoon. And that is it right there.

When I write I sometimes find myself doing the same thing. I will hit a certain spot, then back away and avoid it for a while. It seems like I'm just stuck at first. But I'm seeing that I will know what I need to write and where it need to go,l but It doesn't feel just right just yet, so instead of getting something down, I stop, and bury myself away. I'm waiting for, or building up to "That perfect moment"

Fuckin butterfly shit!

But that is it, isn't it. I'm walling myself in until I reach that perfection that's in my head. While its not all waiting around, there is work on my part, it is still hiding away and closing myself off.

She only cries when...

I am the lamest brother on earth. My sister is over visiting and I completely forgot to call her on her birthday a few days ago.

She brought my little niece as well, When I saw the baby this morning I walked over to it, to say Hi. I've only seen this niece, in person, once. As I was walking over to it, she was looking at me with great curiosity, like a foreign creature she had never before - Like a fawn frollicking in the snow after you've just walked through a wardrobe . She seemed very happy and content, smiling and playing with her food.

The instant I touched her, the gates of hell opened. It knew, she watched me approach from afar, studied me intently and then unleashed her deadly defense mechanism instinctually. It could sense I am an enemy to babykind. Damn those little things are loud and relentless. How does such wail come out of such a little thing -BANSHEE!

My sister came downstairs a few minutes later. I related to actions of her offspring to her - I told on baby! Then my sister said to my mom "See didn't I tell you she would cry? She only cries around Michael"

Burn

DEATH!

I went to the gym for a 2nd night last nite. I thought I could do 30 min of straight cardio since I did 20 the night before, but I did WORSE! I was thinking that I would slowly ease into the weight room and build up to that, get myself used to going first, and that cardio would be easier.

I tried a different machine this time thinking it might be easier. After 5 minutes I was a sweaty pig. 10 minutes took everything my legs had and they were about to give. My legs were sore burning and shaking after just 10 minutes. But at least I decided, since I failed in cardio that nite, my upper body was not tired so I went to do some lite weights. I mean really lite. I've always been a pansyboy that can't lift much, so after not doing anything in months this was really pathetic

Today my body is aching and tingling but it feels great. I think I will take a day off tonight, but will go tomorrow night

Disconnect

I have been without my computer for a few days and it was scary. It is scary for many different reasons...

The first bit of panic was wondering if my computer was gone, then after some time I realized "SHIT what about my music! I think over 80 G of music on there" Then I started to realize everything that could be lost, my documents, records, passwords, addresses, MY GOOD GAY PORN, the music was the biggest thing, until... I suddenly remembered my script! I DON'T HAVE a recent copy of my script saved elsewhere! That this was my biggest concern, was a little surprising

Aside from what could have been lost, the other thing that was scary was what is missing. Without my computer I was suddenly lost, and didn't know quite what to do with myself. Yes I went out and saw friends, but aside from that I was kind of blank. I realized that my LIFE revolves completely around the computer: My work, my music, videos, my writing, email, chat, blogging,... everything I need including passwords, accounts, and paying bills. What is frightening, is that there was not much of my life outside of my computer

When was the last time I road a bike, played tennis, did something active? I rarely even go out to clubs and go dancing in recent months.

Finally my ass made it to the gym last nite, and that was really scary as well. I have been back to the gym, after several months of not going before. This time it really hurt. I almost died finishing 20 minutes on the damn cardio thing. My legs were burning and aching. It was sobering to feel how far I have fallen. I was never the most active kid, but this was just ridiculous.

So I am looking at getting into shape and going to the gym with a slightly different perspective. Its not just about looking good and health. It is also about having a part of life that is free from the computer. I am super motivated now to go regularly... But for now, baby steps. 30 minutes at least. And I will see if I get to the weight room, that might take a few more visits, but right now my goal is just to go regularly.

Short a few circuits

So it has been a while since I posted a blog. Its been a while since I have been able to get to my computer.

Last Wednesday we had a whole built in desk and shelve unit installed in the loft. The parents are fixing up the place and Im happy for them. I confirmed multiple times, that the contractors would be here on Wednesday, and that I would have an early shift on Tuesday and be able to take apart my computer AFTER I got home from work.

So I got home Tuesday and my Beautiful Mac G4, my baby, my child, my love, whom I have never had problems with, was already taken apart for me. I felt a little bad because I told them I would do it, and they went ahead and did it for me.

Wednesday after work, it was exciting to see the new countertop in the kitchen and the new cabinets, and the new built-in in the loft. Everything looked nice, and my parents were excited. After taking it all in and talking with them, I went to work putting "my love" back together. When I pressed the power button... nothing. Reconnected, checked the power and all the connections, still not a sign of life... my baby was not even crying for help. I did everything I could think of, checked the manual and, nothing, not even a little whimper

NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE PRECIOUS

So I ask the old man "Did you turn the computer off before you took it apart", and he responded "Oh I didn't know it was on". Now when My Precious is in sleep mode, the monitor is black but the ON button shimmers in a radiant white light when darkness falls and other lights fail.

After some reading I find out that the problem could be a battery. It clearly seems a power problem since when I hold the ON button the Elfin light shimmers, but once I let go it fades to darkness. So I buy a new battery the next day hoping this will breathe new life into My Precious. It fails, and I ask my dad again "Did you turn off the computer before you took it apart?" but this time he responds "I must have. That can't be the problem"

WOW he changed his story! He backtracked and even tried to suggest that problem is from a completely different source. How old is he? It felt like questioning a child!

Old man lies, He takes the Precious away from us!

Well, after taking it to the Apple Store it turns out that the solution was really simple. There is a reset switch inside. I must have been delirious, because I was looking for a reset switch inside and couldn't find it. RIght when I explained the problem to the guy his first question was "Did you short it or unplug it?"

NO master, We would never do that to My Precious.

So I got home and hooked it up. When I got there, I found that the rest of my computer was all hooked up and plugged in, I just needed to attach it to the tower, But of course I look at my speakers, which has color coded male connectors that also has shapes guide and direct anyone to easily hook it up properly, and prevent things from going in the wrong hole, or so it would seem. The POWER cord was jammed into the female connector of the right speaker, which now does not work.

Sometimes my parents surprise me. They can be very competent in certain areas, but other areas which seem foolproof they seem to lack logic, or missing a few precious brain cells

Family knows a good piece a meat

Last night I had dinner at Hamburger Mary's . The burgers really are good, Gay men know a good piece of meat.

Its supergay, the waiters are obviously gay, there is lame house music blaring a little too loud, and the names of the plates are a little suggestive. In walks this group of six - I older man and woman, a young twink boy, and 2 cheerleader looking girls. By this time I have finished off a Long Island - Hamburger Mary's seem to have to best, they go down fast and get you buzzin in seconds. So I thought to myself "Thats on odd group" not thinking much at all.

I looked over at them and thought "That man looks straight acting, and those girls don't look like faghag material, and the wife seems outta place.... the boy looks potentially gay but not out of the closet... what is going on with these people, and what a strange group to be together" Then after a while I realized, wait a minute, that is a family (damn those Long Islands are good).

I watched them for a while. Their eyes seemed to shift cautiously around. The twink got up to go to the bathroom as if he were leaving the trenches and going into no-man's land, his heading looking in all directions in anticipation of enemy fire. His movements were cautious and quick. The cheerleader girls were whispering to one another, their pompoms seeming to be flat and deflated - no spirit left in them. The older man took a questioning look at the "foreign" menu while his wife nudged him, obviously frightened, and whispered in his ear. Then they all gave each other a shared look, and they knew. It was like they could communicate solely with this one look and completely understand one another and what actions must be taken. They knew they had entered "NO Woman Land" (The lesbians petting each other across from them, apparently don't count) They knew they must escape!

Once the twink got back... they swarmed! In fluid motion the whole family moved in unison to surround him. They swaddled and protected him as if he were a delicate weapon - which if in the wrong limp-wristed hands could easily set off a massive, ... eruption. The twink was so well covered that he vanished behind the wall of straightness and they all made their way in flash. The water left with nothing to do but place his hand on his hip and sigh "Oh My Gawd... Breeders"

I would love to re-enact this scene in a "straight" restaurant

Running On Empty

Maybe not so long ago I might has seen tonight differently

It was the first Friday I have been out in MONTHS - since I started my job. It was nice to be out. We went out to eat then drink and clubbing. 2 of the people I was with had some personal stuff going on... Maybe just a month or 2 ago, I would have been a cold ass and thought to myself "Just get over it, lamass" But not now, not this time. Tonight I just felt bad for them. I also felt empty. There was a part of me that wanted to trade my emptiness for their pain, cuz it would at least mean something was going on and some boy wanted me to some extent. What I have now is absolutely nothing.

Most of the night I hid behind my hoodie, that needs to end

Stalking The Troops pt3: The Return of the Stalker

2006-02-08
The Chronicles of lameness Continued

So the majority of girls told me to just send him a message through myspace. I was supposed to just write it quick and send it off fast so I don’t overthink it like I do with EVERYTHING. But I ended up showing it to Stef who told me I sounded like a blathering idiot... Ended up taking forever to edit it down and it was still lame. Finally I just said fuck it and sent it.

Basically I just told him that there was something really intriguing about him other than just being cute and I wanted to find out more, and then asked him if he wanted to hang out sometime and if he had been to Beauty Bar – One of the few things I do know through actually talking with him is that he is just getting into Indie rock so this seemed ideal and casual.

I told myself I wouldn’t be stupid and just check on my myspace messages tomorrow. I started to work on my screenplay, but that didn’t work at all! So I put in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, but eventually when it got to the dessert love scene and broke down and rushed over to myspace to see if he had logged in or sent me a message... NOTHING!

This back n forth obsessive checking for messages went on for HOURS! and nothing. Till finally 12am hit and then I could at least tell if he had at least logged on since the date changed to 2/8/06 and and his “last login date still showed 2/7/06” YES! Excessive stalking taken to new heights! So finally it was a little before 2am when I last checked and still nothing, but I was in the middle of downloading a few songs. And when they finished ....”NEW MESSAGE”!!!!!!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!

But there was NO way I was gonna read it right then and there! That would just appear obsessive and stalkerish (he can see if I have read the message), and we all know I'm neither of those things! SO I went to bed all dreamy and happy.

I woke up really early without the alarm! I never do that on an off day! But I wasn’t gone touch that message till after 10am - “Cuz I'm not a stalker”

And so ...


“ Aww, I went on first Friday, but didn't actually GO inside. I want to make it there sometime this month. I have just been incredibly busy with EVERYTHING. Between work and maintaining a few freindships, I hardly have time for anything these days! But, every now and then opportunities exist, so we'll see what happens. =) “


Sigh... It ends :(
My Jnr Highschool girl daydreams are shattered! hahahhah I'm taking his poster off my wall and scratching his name off my peachee folders
sigh

Stalking The Troops pt2

2006-02-05

So no real new activity yet. Although I was EXTEMELY happy and relieved this morning before work, when I checked Starfucker’s myspace page... He had deleted about 50 people from his friends list, and I survived... This is the 4th round of mass deletion I have survived...

You didn’t think I could get much lamer did you? Think about the level of lameness I have achieved here...It is quite an accomplishment I feel:

1. Note, that I mentioned I checked myspace before work... I work at 530am... This means I was on that damn thing just to check his page BEFORE most people get up.
2. The fact that I can estimate fairly closely about how many people he deleted means I had a pretty good notion of how many “friends” he had on his list to begin with.
3. I actually know how many times I have “survived” mass deletions oh his part.
4. This simple “event” made me extremely giddy.

My life needs some excitement as you can see, esp. on work days where I am pretty much useless outside once I’m done with work.

Today, during the 1st several hours of work and sat around with a huge dufus smile on my face daydreaming about him, ... about us. (I don’t even know the fucker):

1. Somehow though, in my head, Starfucker and I are saving up to buy a place together after I am done with school.
2. We even cook for each other.
3. I wont fold my clothes but I happily fold his, even his boxer briefs – into nice little squares ... and no whites because he looks hotter in black or colors boxerbreifs, and less possibility of the freak stain, gross.
4. We of course go clubbing occasionally where I have to drag his hot ass out onto the dance floor cuz he is shy about dancing and does it about as well as Koob, but that’s OK cuz I can just point and laugh and we’ll have a good time.
5. We go the the shooting range, and he has to wrap around me help me aim as he straddles me...you know with my good eyes n all – this somehow makes him feel like more of a man and I can actually aim ok with the good eye but I let him have this (He actually does love guns).
6. We take really cheesy prom pictures since neither of us went to our prom ( I have no idea if he actually went). Somehow, a unicorn ends up in our prom pics just for shits n giggles. He passes the pictures out to customers at Starbucks, inserting them in the drink sleeve.
7. Sometimes I let him top.
8. He gets me to work out more... We work out together and often have sex in the Gym... But only after I have gotten into better shape.
9. One of my petnames for him is Doppio – In case you weren't aware that is Starbucks lingo for a double espresso shot. An occasional pet-name for his is Venti or Grande, depending...
10. We eventually throw great house parties
11. We go to SDA churches just for fun sometimes, to suck face and dry hump each other and then leave, for shock value
12. I learn to play football and catch a ball like a normal boy, just so we can have an excuse to see each other in football uniforms, although even then there really is no need to wear them. He still throws like a girl sometimes though.
13. We take roadtrips that are meant to go further but never end up that far cuz we get too horny.
14. We go to tons of indierock shows (he is actually just getting into indie rock! there is real basis to this one)
15. I always hear that heavenly sound which lies somewhere between a pig squeal and donkey whine because he is always laughing at my jokes. He snorts chocolate milk through his nose as a result quite often (I guess this means he loves chocolate milk?)

There was more daydreaming but I cant remember all of it.

Stalking The Troops

This was an email sent to my freinds. It is probably the seed, or maybe turning point in my bloggin or online journaling. It was also a turning point in life perspective. How the Chronicles of lameness germinated, and having an attitude to not just mock my own lameness but fully embrace it, and hide practically nothing. I already am this way with close freinds, but felt the need to be this way completely.

So since this email was fairly personal, really lame, and started a shift in writing for me in general, I thought I needed to post it here. Its really freakin long so if you're about to read, grab yourself a snack so you don't fall asleep at the keyboard:


2006-02-02
History of Mike's Lameness: The Starfucker Chapters

Flashback to the Gap days, probably May.
At this point I usually worked a 7a-4p shift in the stock room, lifting boxes, unpacking, breaking down boxes, and sorting clothes and then putting them away. By 2pm its Starbucks time... I need an energy booster. We go to Starbucks right next door. My friend Amy is a sassy little round ball of a girl, quick with the tongue. She’s so skilled with her wit she'll slice you a new one - Koob would be sashimi’d in a second. She loves me, and naturally I am fond of her - natural faghag material. She just started working at another Starbucks so she is spitting out a bunch of comments about how things should be done and need to be improved here. I’m just laughing along not noticing anything at all. Then suddenly the Gates of Heaven opened up and spewed forth the most gorgeous Starbucks boy that ever lived.
Amy is being her usual self, cracking jokes, then, out comes this sound. It was a sound with enough power to take away the words from Amy’s mouth... The impossible happened, she was speechless! As impossible to imagine as Kathy being dumbfounded and struck mute when in full-blown erect prairie dog attack mode.

While Amy was stunned into silence...

The sound can only be described as somewhere between a pig’s snort and a donkey whine... With the same stuttering nonstop repetition

I was in my own heaven! This boy is beautiful and he has won me over with his freakish otherworldly mating call. I knew... Like the way you know you’re gonna have a good shit - not just one of those 1 – 2 droplets, but the kind where you feel all emptied out and have delivered an ugly baby.

Amy gives me a look, expecting me to crack up with her at what she just experienced. Both our mouths are gaping open in disbelief. She kept nudging me, expecting me to bust out laughing with her, eventually her egging turning to frustration and then realization. NO! You can’t be falling for that dufus!

And so started my obsession with Starfucker.

Before this heavenly moment I didn’t go to Starbucks much at all. I quickly became a regular. But it was rare that I would see him. But on the few occasions I did see him, I was tired, a little sweaty, smelling of cardboard plastic and the sweat and blood of the 3rd world children who made the clothes mixed with my own. Covered in little scraps from boxes and packaging and dust. I could never seem to get him when they took our order; he was always doing something in the back. The few times I did, all I got out was lame small talk.

So I didn’t see him for a long time, and then one day I took my friend Billy home. We stopped by Starbucks on the way out, and Billy being Billy (this is the guy that is turning into a cross-dresser) asked for his number. WOW! That was fine cuz if I was too scared to, I’m not gonna stop him. But he called and got nowhere.
Everyone else at that Starbucks I can have much better small talk with and they know my name and drink. Starfucker never seems to know it!

One day I am waiting for my friends at the movies. I call them up. And some guy comes up to me, ITS HIM! He introduces himself and knows my fuckin name! STARFUCKER KNOWS MY NAME. I get all excited and try to get off the phone but end up fumbling around retardedly. And while I am trying to get off the phone, for some reason, he keeps talking! I even gave him the hold on, and told him wait Ill get off the phone, but dufus kept on talking, and by the time I got off he was gone.
Weirdo! Who keeps talking while someone is obviously on the phone? But that lameness just intrigued me.
1 or 2 more run-ins happened with no results. One day Billy runs into him out in the hallways of the mall. In typical Junior High School fashion (as this crush has already been going) Billy goes up to him and says “Hey ___! You know my friend Mike? I think he likes you”. Thanks for the Junior High School flashback Billy – Tomorrow lets pass him a note and fold it into clever little origami shapes. So Starfucker responds “Oh I just started seeing someone... But if you want to hang out I’m usually at Hamburger Mary’s on Fridays”

Billy and I went one of the following Fridays, he wasn’t there; he was at the Killers Concert which somehow I didn’t know about (ARG). Turns out he was not lying about seeing someone. By this time I was stalking him online. And his myspace status changed to “In a relationship” and he had a new faggy boy on the TOP of his top 8 peeps on myspace. Myspace has really because a stalker’s tool. So relief, it wasn’t just a nice letdown!

End of crush... Until one fine day! FAGBOY is gone from his myspace Top 8, and his status is changed to Single! The Stalking recommences. BUT By this time, I am no longer working at the mall. In fact I rarely have gone to the mall at all. There have been a handful of small exchanges with him on myspace but that’s it.

And one day I was getting over a flu or cold and went into Starbucks, he was there! I tried to have a conversation with him but it just didn’t go anywhere!
Now a little background: Everyone keeps telling me how weird he is. There are a few Gap workers who also work at that Starbucks, and several say that Starfucker is weird but no one can say exactly how or why. His myspace responses also allude to this as well. Conversation or communication may not be his strongest skill... Maybe that’s why he is usually in the back when working? Or maybe it’s the pig-donkey laugh? But whatever the case... The weirdness has me even more intrigued!

So VERY LONG story, just a tiny bit shorter... Fast-forward. We have a company party at the end of January at Studio 54, closed off for just us with free booze! I decide to go to the mall and buy some clothes. If I see him I would try to muster up the courage to ask the fucker out, and go with me to the party (He just turned 21 in Nov. I haven't seen him since, cuz of work and never being at the mall). Fuckhead wasn’t there! So I took my gay friend. It was a side goal to try and discover who at work was obviously gay, or at least somewhat gay – turns out we became the “obvious gays”

Every single guy who I thought might be gay and also the ones who I hoped were gay, introduced me to their frickin girlfriends. There was one, who I don’t even like at all, but was just hoping to find some gay friends, who introduced me to his girlfriend, and I think I was drunk enough to actually blurt out loud, “Girlfriend? Really?” But my freind and I got super plastered, and I guess I made a few small discoveries about myself. I definitely have no attraction to him. We are both drunk and horny and he is all over me, more just out of loneliness and horniness. And I had to push him away a little. So guess I’m not naturally a slut... Maybe after my first time I could be but not now. Also I guess if I have a little bitch on my arm I naturally go into full-blown butch with him. Cuz as we are dancing all over the place I got really aggro grabbing and pushing him really aggressively – I think at one point I had his belt wrapped around his neck and his pants were practically falling off. But every time he would get too close, I’d let him know who was boss and shove him away... I think this means I may be more of a top than a bottom, or at least with an obvious bottom boy I take complete control.

Anyways that was a bit of a side story. Back to Starfucker. So I wasn’t able to ask him to the party damn it. And I’ve been growing more and more antsy that I just have to do something about it...

Last week I had to go to UNLV, and made a call to one of my friends to ask her where to park, She didn’t answer. After I was done I decide to go to the mall (this mall is not close to where I live, its on the strip). Check to see if Starfucker is there... NO! So I decide to check to see if any of my friends are working (they are all in separate stores now, so it takes a little time to walk all around) I look afar to see if Starfucker is there but I don't see him. I’m almost at my car when I get a call from my friend who I called earlier. So I go back up to talk to her while she is on her break. And she is getting all serious and shit. Then out of the corner of my eye (the bad one) I see that he has passed by! He’s here! But I have to pay attention to serious shit for now until she has to go back from her break. After this I of course go to Starbucks and the line is long. But he is there still in street clothes. We just smile at each other. By the time I get up to the counter he has gone to the back to clock in FUCK

So just a few days earlier He posted a bulletin on Myspace about supporting the troops (His best friend is in the Military) and if we wanted to send anything send it to his unit. So after I missed him at Starbucks, out of lameness and shyness, I needed more of an excuse to message him on myspace. I ended up buying a CASE of Pringles for his friend’s unit! A CASE! That is like 19 canisters! But Starfucker replied back to me :) So yes, there was a part of me that was doing it because I don’t do shit for my country and these people put themselves in danger to protect us (whether I agree with them being there is a different issue) so why not send something to them. But the real driving force behind my “Supporting The Troops” was to get with one of the Troops buddies!

I’ve been growing restless and NEED to do something about my crush on Starfucker...

IT’S MALL TIME!

Again, similar scenario. I check Starbucks first. He isn't there. I go to Gap to talk with one of my friends while she is on Break, check Starbucks... Still don’t see him. Visit other stores to see if my friends are working. Then I call up my freind on my way out to see if he still wants me to meet him at Hamburger Mary’s. As I am getting off the phone, I see from afar a guy with pants that are too stiff and not tight enough to be hot, and not loose enough to be cool. IT’s HIM! But I am too far to catch up to him and its too lame to run or yell after him! ARG!

BUT he is going outside, and there is another exit to where I think he should be heading! I RUN in that direction. It is like a chase scene from a really cheesy romance movie. Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts in the late 90s would gladly take my role. Just as I open the doors to the outside there he is! It’s like fate! This is supposed to happen! We exchange small talk. He says he is going to Treasure Island to meet some people and see a show.... The Pirate show. (Dufus! You live here!). And all that comes out of my mouth is “Oh do you want to meet us at Hamburger Mary’s”

Starfucker: “Why is there anything going on?”
Me: “I’m just meeting my friend to eat.... And grab a drink”
Starfucker: “Oh one of my friends is only 17, I don’t think he can get in... We’ll see what we can do”

And ... Nothing... Didn’t ask for his number, didn’t ask him out like I planned on doing, didn’t even flirt cuz I was in a panic and was just trying to form a sentence (and catch my breath and look like I wasn’t running)

After this "chance meeting" I had posted a cheesy comment on his myspace. He is one those people who requires a comment to be read and accepted before it is posted online. Naturally, stalker that I am, I was waiting impatiently for him to "accept" So yesterday I was feeling loserish, cuz he hadn’t “accepted” my comment on his myspace page. And if he hadn't accepted a simple stupid comment that would definitely qualify as outright rejection as opposed to where I am not, which is one step away from rejection... I will take that step thank you. So finally at around midnight Starfucker accepted my lame comment! And that made my day hahahhahahha

Wooohooooo. I can still make another attempt! But now what? The mall run-in was OK this once, but another one would definitely look stalkerish (even though I am stalking him, I cant LOOK like I am). And asking him out over myspace would be lame I think.

So that is my Junior High Non-Romance story up to now. I wish I knew how to quit him... But not until I get an outright rejection.

Full Tilt

So I had a phone conversation with Koob recently. I love talking to him. Things also seem clearer after I have a good chat.

Somehow I got on the topic of gay stereotypes and I was mentioning that I don't think I'm the stereotypical faggot. I was patting myself on the back about how I don't seem to have the stereotypical overly feminine traits, or overly butch posture, the gay taste in music, the drama, or queenyness, or lisp, or trail at the end of the sentence, nor do i worship Divas and like shitty house music, and I don't know any musicals. I was quite proud of this "accomplishment"

While I am praising my own nonconformity and uniqueness from the rest of "those people", I ask Koob, "Do I have any stereotypical gayness?" And he says

Koob: "You do the head tilt"
Me: "THE head tilt"
Koob: "Yup, the head tilt"
Me: "You're not talking about the one they do when the are questioning or analyzing or observing something"
Koob: "That's the one"

My head snaps back in HORROR! Not Me! So I am sitting there, going through every time I can think and visualize myself thinking, questioning or analyzing something, esp. something physical. Memories flash in my head. I am deep in concentration, trying to conjure up every memory of this. Gradually the right side of my neck begins to crink. Why does my right shoulder fell a little heavier than it should? And why is the room slightly slanted?

As it hits me, I yell into the phone, facing it, as if the outdated green display were a screen he can see me in.

"I HATE YOU"

hmmmmmmmmm (finger slowly and sheepishly moving up toward mouth)

Glutton for punishment

Im one step closer, so I'll just take a few sidesteps

I have to learn that just because I can do something, it doesn't mean I should. I just finished a credit counseling session to straighten out my shit. I easily spend my money, and borrow money on cards "because it's available". That's how my financial mess started... well partly, the other part was a poor and extremely costly business move, but all of it I could have prevented.

Right after I finished the session, which takes me that much closer to be being where I want to be financially, I called up Lyma to go have All You Can Eat Sushi, because I was right there.

So we had a great time laughing it up as we usually do, and stuffing ourselves silly. But now my stomach is aching and going to explode. This is also why I need to lose weight and can barely fit into my size 4 girl jeans, which at one point I looked decent rather than scary in. And right now Im bloated as hell, because I ate a plethora of sushi, an insane amount...

"Because it was available"

and instead of saving almost $30, which could have been put away toward my hotness, I am moaning in extreme fullness... now its nowhere near my heart-attack of 1996, but it could easily be avoided

Im gonna open up a new Savings account, or mutual fund for my self, and call it "My Hotness" fund so every time I am tempted to gorge myself in such an extreme way, I can just remind myself to put it into my hotness instead hahahahahha

My Island!

I am trying to write on a more consistant basis, whether it is random ideas, blogs, working on the script, bits n pieces for new scripts, ... whatever, just get it down. In the morning I usually have time between calls to thrown down some chicken scratch

02-27-06 5:55am

Panic! What will we do if we can't get our shoes! It's the end!

Our heads snap back in horror. Pause. Snap back to pecking at the the keys... and ... and nothing. Peck peck (In some form of Filipino language I belive that means a woman's goodies downstairs) ... Peck peck... but the response is jibberish. Snapback and hands in the air! - because the computer naturally understands and responds to such body language. And we must stay ready to tell customers that we cant do anything right now.

In the morning, the heard moves together and gathers to the distant left of me. I hear them grazing across the plains between calls. Occassionally if I pop my head outta the prariedog hole I can even see them across the field. I am the lone Buffalo on the right side of the great plains in the morning. But soon when I go to evening shift I will join my own heard, as right side of the plains is where the night buffalo graze.

So it doesnt quite make sense that I am a buffalo popping out of a prarie dog hole, but between calls it'll do :P

Wallow in Waste

It's rare that I remember my dreams, and I barely remember this one, maybe just a small part of it...

One of those horrible ugly little creatures that parents insist on believing are cute, ya know... babies. This of course excludes my lovely little nieces, all 3, and my cousin's little one as well. But the one in my dream was actually not so bad. It was not nearly as grotesque as those alien little newborn coneheads. No sane person can honestly admit that their freshly cracked newborn is cute.

Mothers can be excused their insanity, after-all they are hopped up on drugs and an epidural - which, by the way, is quite heavenly, and I'm speaking from experience. They have carried this creature in their belly for nine months, then spent the last few hours expelling the beast out their vagina. THEIR VAGINA... try pushing some screaming LIVING thing outta any of your orifices and see how sane you will be... I've seen several of those slimy suckas being squeezed outta the pink darkness and none of it is pretty...

But back to my dream... baby

There it was on all fours, naked and quite content. But something was not quite right. The little mutant began to crawl with a strange awareness, determination, and purpose that newborns do not possess. It was like it had the movement, drive and intent of an adult. It knew where is was going and what it wanted. Its movements were firm stable and sure, without a hint of wobbling, or lack of focus. Then suddenly, it went straight into a muddy mess. It was flooded in feces, and playing with it. The idiot creature knew what it was, went after it, and continued to cover itself in it. It had the movements and determination of an adult but did not have sense enough to know not to play in its own excrement. This seemed to go on forever and baby never seemed to tire of it. It didn't even cry.

Now I know I was watching the baby baste itself in this brown batter, yet I can't help but wonder if this was me. I know I, in the dream I never felt myself playing or seeing from the creature's perspective, but I do wonder if its supposed to represent me in some way.

SHOOOOEEWEEEEET!

YES!!! today was kinda Shhooooeweeeeet!

Well first its Danny's bday! Happy Bday Platinum! Work went by really fast. My shoes came in and the are sweet. Then to top everything... we have "Tech Seminars" quite often at work, where Shoe Company Reps come and education us on their production - a "Shoe-minar"... Occasionally they give us free little things like key chains, hats, T-shirts etc. Sometimes we get cool stuff. I recently got a comfy pair of flip-flops. For a little while I was thinking "Damn, am I gonna get fired? Do they not like me?" cuz I had bad timing with the phone calls and didn't get called in for the Shoe-minars. But that was just bad luck

Today I won an iPod Shuffle! Shhooooeweeeeet!

My luck is coming up... Im gonna win over a million dollars next... But I guess I would actually have to gamble for that to happen.. hmmmm when the voices tell me to I will (Most of my friends know that I won a nice little jackpot once because voices told me to go gamble, but thats a long story) ... Shoet for the Stars ... lame hahahahaha